| 12th November 2007 05:17 PM |
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| pdog |
Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One
of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the
lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one
wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake
to be made of the best beer in the world.
With a poof! the wish was granted. All of a sudden, one of the men got really
angry.
"Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!"
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A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that
he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons.
After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he
wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.
As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees
this guy on the floor doing push-ups.
He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying, "Fella, I
think your girl friend has gone home."
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During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day.
He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a
round of drinks."
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression,
so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them o n the bar. The bartender
can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the
bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty
at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye,"
he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me,"
said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can
bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean,
I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his
false teeth and bit his l eft eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your
best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the
night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and
card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said,
"Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars
that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on
that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up
straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over
the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it
into the whis key bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe
me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of
the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over
you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
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A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into
then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and
stops the guy.
"What the heck are you doing ?" he asks the drunk.
"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it." he replies.
"So how does feeling the roof help you ?" asks the puzzled manager.
"well," replies the drunk earnestly, "MY car has two blue lights and a siren
on the roof!"
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Two drunks went into a bar and had a few beers. One got up and went into the
bathroom while the other remained at the bar talking to the bartender.
All of a sudden there was a loud scream coming from the bathroom. The drunk
at the bar said to the bartender that it sounded like his partner screaming,
so he went into the bathroom to investigate.
He went inside and asked his friend what the problem was. His friend said
that everytime he flushed the toilet something reached up and squeezed his
balls.
His friend shook his head and said, "You dumbass, you're sitting on the mop
bucket!"
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A Polak, an Italian and an Irishman got out of work and were deciding where
to go for a drink. The Irishman said "Let's all go to O'Learys. With every
third round, the bartender will give each of us a free Guiness."
The Italian said "That sounds good, bu t if we go to Baldini's with every
third round they bring a free bottle of wine to the table."
The Polak said "That sounds fine but if we go to Kowalski's we drink for free
all night and then go out into the parking lot and get laid."
"That sounds to good to be true!" the Irishman exclaimed. "Have you actually
been there?"
"No," the Polak replied, "but my wife goes there all the time."
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A man walks into a bar one night and asks for 3 drinks. The bartender asks
the man what is wrong, to which the man replied, "My oldest son is a
homosexual." So the bartender gives him 3 drinks.
A few months later the man walks in and asks the bartender for five drinks.
Again the bartender asked the man what was wrong. "My second son is a
homosexual." The bartender gives him five drinks, and the man goes on his
way.
Several months later, he w alks in again and asks for ten drinks. The
bartender again asks what's wrong. "My youngest son just admitted he's
homosexual."
To which the bartender replied, "My goodness, isn't there anybody in your
family that like women?"
"Yeah, my wife does."
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A man in a bar saw a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he commented, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "my father died, leaving me $50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued the friend, "nothing!"
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George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that
he wasn't leaving the house.
George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk
that you puked on your shirt."
George: "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!"
So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK the go out with
the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze. George met up with the guys
at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced. After about 3 hours of
guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.
George: "Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for
getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"
Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from
getting in trouble with the wife.
Bill: "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk
through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself,
just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20
bucks to get the shirt cleaned."
So, when George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was
waiting for him in the living room.
Georges wife: "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over
that new shirt!"
George: "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and
gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned."
His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding
two $20 bills.
George's wife: "Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come
from?"
George: "Oh, That's from the guy who shit in my pants."
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A guy walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. The bartender poured him
the drink and the guy drank it down in one gulp.
"Wow," said the bartender. "Something bad musta happened."
"I came home early today," answered the guy. "I went up to the bedroom, and
there was my wife having sex with my best friend."
The bartender poured the dude another triple shot. "This one's on the house."
The guy gulped it down once again. The bartender asked, "Did you say anything
to your wife?"
The guy answered, "Yeah, I walked up to her and told her we were through.
'Pack your bag's and get out!' I told her."
"What about your friend?" asked the bartender.
"I looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Bad dog!'" |
| 12th November 2007 06:17 PM |
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| fireontheplatter |
i overheard a conversation between 2 ladies. one of them said to the other...i don't understand why you give homeless people money..you know they are only going to buy beer and cigaretts with it...and the other one turns to the other and says...well, what did you think i was going to buy with it. |
| 12th November 2007 06:37 PM |
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| Some Guy |
DRUNK TEST
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.
"The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
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