| 6th December 2007 05:15 PM |
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| Jumping Jack |
History 101
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals;
and
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girliemen.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer.. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild Wes t was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tic them off. |
| 6th December 2007 05:32 PM |
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| pdog |
as a libertarian, I approve this because god is not involved and government is out of peoples private life. |
| 6th December 2007 05:40 PM |
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| Starbuck |
what...ooh....well, i never! i am incensed!
notify fleabit immediately! |
| 6th December 2007 05:43 PM |
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| pdog |
quote:
Starbuck wrote:
what...ooh....well, i never! i am incensed!
notify fleabit immediately!
Well, according to this you will starve to death will hugging some hippie as the cops stand and watch and eat Bambi... is this correct? |
| 6th December 2007 05:52 PM |
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| nankerphelge |
Leave FPM out of this.
He is busy making quilts for Christmas...er, the holiday season. |
| 6th December 2007 06:28 PM |
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| Joey |
" He is busy making quilts for Christmas...er, the holiday season. "
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| 6th December 2007 06:28 PM |
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| glencar |
That's one asshole that nobody misses! |
| 6th December 2007 06:29 PM |
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| Joey |
" That's one asshole that nobody misses! "
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| 7th December 2007 05:01 AM |
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| corgi37 |
To most of the world, ALL Americans are conservatives. You guys lost the plot. CSI franchise can show the most incredible gore - But fuck me, show a bit of T&A - and you guys spin out.
Lovely people, Yanks. I love 'em. But just so fucking uptight! Biggest porn industry in the world, indeed, your porn stars are mainstream enough to run for governer. Yet you pass laws banning low slung pants, revealing underwear and still, STILL have elderly men arguing about abortion.
Silly people shoot up the place, and instead of saying "Ya know ya'll, maybe having such easy access to guns is a bad idea" you say "Now, if EVERYONE had a gun, this incident (any incident) would not have happened". WTF?
Have a doobie. Crank out the Stones. Order some Aussie beer (because lets face it, American beer is horse piss) and chill out. Embrace your neighbours - dont invade, er sorry, "liberate" them.
Holidays in Cambodia? Fuck that. Make friends. Buy some flowers. Get them check pants out of the closet. And take a week off in Tehran.
Or Havana. |
| 7th December 2007 05:28 AM |
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| lotsajizz |
Even American Indians were treated better than the aborigines |
| 7th December 2007 10:28 AM |
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| Joey |
quote:
corgi37 wrote:
To most of the world, ALL Americans are conservatives. You guys lost the plot. CSI franchise can show the most incredible gore - But fuck me, show a bit of T&A - and you guys spin out.
Lovely people, Yanks. I love 'em. But just so fucking uptight! Biggest porn industry in the world, indeed, your porn stars are mainstream enough to run for governer. Yet you pass laws banning low slung pants, revealing underwear and still, STILL have elderly men arguing about abortion.
Silly people shoot up the place, and instead of saying "Ya know ya'll, maybe having such easy access to guns is a bad idea" you say "Now, if EVERYONE had a gun, this incident (any incident) would not have happened". WTF?
Have a doobie. Crank out the Stones. Order some Aussie beer (because lets face it, American beer is horse piss) and chill out. Embrace your neighbours - dont invade, er sorry, "liberate" them.
Holidays in Cambodia? Fuck that. Make friends. Buy some flowers. Get them check pants out of the closet. And take a week off in Tehran.
Or Havana.
Corgi is " THE KING !!!!!! "
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| 7th December 2007 10:35 AM |
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| voodoopug |
quote:
Joey wrote:
" He is busy making quilts for Christmas...er, the holiday season. "
a classic! |
| 10th December 2007 11:23 AM |
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| Shmoey |
quote:
lotsajizz wrote:
Even American Indians were treated better than the aborigines
 |
| 10th December 2007 11:39 AM |
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| Child of the Moon |
quote:
corgi37 wrote:
To most of the world, ALL Americans are conservatives. You guys lost the plot. CSI franchise can show the most incredible gore - But fuck me, show a bit of T&A - and you guys spin out.
Lovely people, Yanks. I love 'em. But just so fucking uptight! Biggest porn industry in the world, indeed, your porn stars are mainstream enough to run for governer. Yet you pass laws banning low slung pants, revealing underwear and still, STILL have elderly men arguing about abortion.
Silly people shoot up the place, and instead of saying "Ya know ya'll, maybe having such easy access to guns is a bad idea" you say "Now, if EVERYONE had a gun, this incident (any incident) would not have happened". WTF?
Have a doobie. Crank out the Stones. Order some Aussie beer (because lets face it, American beer is horse piss) and chill out. Embrace your neighbours - dont invade, er sorry, "liberate" them.
Holidays in Cambodia? Fuck that. Make friends. Buy some flowers. Get them check pants out of the closet. And take a week off in Tehran.
Or Havana.
Now THAT'S postin'! |
| 10th December 2007 05:07 PM |
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| Ten Thousand Motels |
The first anarchist was a conservative and the first conservative was an anarchist. |
| 10th December 2007 05:21 PM |
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| pdog |
The first liberal was Jesus, and they killed him. |
| 10th December 2007 05:39 PM |
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| monkey_man |
quote:
Jumping Jack wrote:
Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
This makes Yankee fans cry in their beer! |
