| October 23rd, 2005 04:35 AM |
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| ventilatorblues72 |
As I stand by your flame
I get burned once again
Feelin' low down, I'm blue
As I sit by the fire
Of your warm desire
I've got the blues for you, yeah
Every night you've been away
I've sat down and I have prayed
That you're safe in the arms of a guy
Who will bring you alive
Won't drag you down with abuse
In the silk sheet of time
I will find peace of mind
Love is a bed full of blues
And I've got the blues for you
And I've got the blues for you
And I'll bust my brains out for you
And I'll tear my hair out
I'm gonna tear my hair out just for you
If you don't believe what I'm singing
At three o'clock in the morning, babe, well
I'm singing my song for you
It's 3 AM and I woke up and cannot get back to sleep. I am breaking one of my rules by putting my feelings down in print as these words could always come back to hurt me if the wrong person saw them, but right now those feelings are so strong that I need to get them out, to take the heavy weight off of my heart and send them to you.
Since we kissed Friday I can think of nothing else but you. I hunger to taste your lips again, to feel you in my arms, to hold you, to wrap my arms around you, to run my fingers through your hair, to stare into your eyes, to squeeze you and make you feel safe and warm and beautiful and sexy. I thought we were playing a silly little game, and maybe that's all it was or all it started out as but after we kissed the third time I looked into your eyes and I saw how deep they were and felt like I could drown in them. I saw at once so much pain, so much promise, so much desire. It's been so long since I have felt this way; I honestly thought I was past the age at which I could. You are the most beautiful woman that I have ever kissed in my life. I have thought you were a radiant beauty since the moment you first came in looking for a job in your tight, light blue blouse a year and a half ago. I look at myself and I am afraid, I think that there is no way someone as beautiful as you could ever want anything from someone like me.
But if you do want something from me, I want to be someone you can lean on, snuggle up with, make love to (yes), cry to, feel comfortable with, a lover man a friend, someone you don't have to worry about, someone you don't have to put up with. We both have lives, very different from each other and those lives need to go on just like they have because our children depend on us. I want us to be in a place outside of that, outside of the worries about money and kids and the persons we live with. I want us to be somewhere in a hidden garden where no one knows we're there and we can play and laugh and be happy and not be parents, husbands and wives. I am really very lucky. I have a good life; what I am missing is surprises and spontaneity, passionate kisses and warm hugs and warm smiles. I know you have those in abundance.
I'm usually VERY good at hiding my feelings. It's what I've learned to do to avoid getting hurt, so you probably never knew what I really thought of you. Besides it wouldn't have mattered anyway. I'm married and you may as well be and there was someone else who lost no time in pursuing you. Well now I have let you know some of these feelings and I feel very vulnerable and silly and foolish. Maybe I am all wrong, maybe this letter has already scared you or maybe you think what happened was a big mistake. If you want to pretend the whole thing never happened just say so and I will do just that. I am a grown man and I can deal with the truth. The truth is almost always the best. So please let me know while we still haven’t done anything but open a door and look through it. I don't like to lie, to deceive or to lead people on. Obviously when a married man has feelings for a woman other than his wife and he contemplates acting on those he is deceiving his wife, but between us I never want anything but honesty. Life is short and when I think back, the things I most regret are the chances I never took, the people I never kept in touch with, the people I never let know how I really felt about them. The easier thing to do would be to just ride out this storm of passionate feelings and get on with my life but before I am too old I don’t want to miss another chance. No matter what happens (or doesn't) I'll be ok. When you've figured it out for yourself let me know. Until then I will be counting the seconds until I can kiss you again.
[Edited by ventilatorblues72] |
| October 23rd, 2005 08:57 AM |
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| stoneman |
Go back to bed and rub one out.
Gag a maggot! |
| October 23rd, 2005 10:10 AM |
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| LadyJane |
If your wife has destroyed your self esteem.....I suggest you get yourself to a good therapist ASAP and then seek legal counsel.
This is serious business and lives and feelings are at stake. You don't know who reads these boards.
I hope to God there aren't children involved. Cause they ALWAYS suffer the most, despite the best intentions.
I'm no angel....and I'm not judging anyone...but you continue to share this with us. Methinks it is a cry for help.
LJ.
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| October 23rd, 2005 10:26 AM |
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| ventilatorblues72 |
quote:
LadyJane wrote:
If your wife has destroyed your self esteem.....I suggest you get yourself to a good therapist ASAP and then seek legal counsel.
This is serious business and lives and feelings are at stake. You don't know who reads these boards.
I hope to God there aren't children involved. Cause they ALWAYS suffer the most, despite the best intentions.
I'm no angel....and I'm not judging anyone...but you continue to share this with us. Methinks it is a cry for help.
LJ.
my self esteem is not at stake, it's my world view, my weltanschauungAfter alll the people I have lost I have come to view life as 25-35 years of living and then one very long hospice. My brother who basically feels the same says:"life is a sexually transmitted disease which is always fatal"
I have 2 kids, so does she
Help?, I'm beyond that. I feel like there is no help.
Booze and pills and powders, you can choose your medicine
Well here's another goodbye to another good friend
After all is said and done
Gotta move while it's still fun
Let me walk before they make me run
After all is said and done
I gotta move, it's still fun
I'm gonna walk before they make me run
Therapy, medication,religion,meditation it's all the same, all bullshit.
only 4 things make the pain go away;
1. my children
2. alcohol
3. Music (preferably the Rolling Stones)
4. Passionate`sex
(I'm sure Heroin would work but I'm afraid)
**************************************
I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
I see a line of cars and they're all painted black
With flowers and my love both never to come back
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away
Like a new born baby it just happens ev'ry day
I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and it has been painted black
Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts
It's not easy facin' up when your whole world is black
No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you
If I look hard enough into the settin' sun
My love will laugh with me before the mornin' comes
I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
Hmm, hmm, hmm,...
I wanna see it painted, painted black
Black as night, black as coal
I wanna see the sun blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black
Yeah!
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| October 23rd, 2005 11:36 AM |
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| LadyJane |
I repeat.........GET SOME PROFESSIONAL HELP. If not for yourself.....do it for your children.
Stop the pity party....waste of energy...trust me...I know of what I speak.
LJ. |
| October 23rd, 2005 11:50 AM |
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| ventilatorblues72 |
quote:
LadyJane wrote:
I repeat.........GET SOME PROFESSIONAL HELP. If not for yourself.....do it for your children.
Stop the pity party....waste of energy...trust me...I know of what I speak.
LJ.
Thank you for your concern. I appreciate it. Been there done that. Tried therapy for off and on for 20+ years. It never got me anywhere. Same for Prozac, Celexa, Effexor, Paxil, Wellbutrin, Zoloft, etc. Same for Alcoholics Anonymous, The Catholic Church and Zen Bhuddism. Whatever my problem is it is immune to any known cure.
I am pouring out my feelings on this board because, frankly there is no where else for me to do it. My best friend is about to have his first child in February so you can guess his response. My brother and my sister are of no help and there's no one else I trust. I admit there is MARGINAL therapeutic value in talking about things but to pay a therapist $ 70.00 for an hour to say the same things I can say here for free is a collossal waste of time and money. I can pour out my guts here for free.
I have already been conducting a misinformation campaign om my wife, telling her almost every day a skewed version of what's going, basically saying that this girl is a little nutty and might be in love with me. Of course I omit certain details but this will be helpful in case I need 'plausible denial' at some point. My wife also mentioned during a discussion about other people's marriages that she didn't think adultery was a reason to end a marriage.
Yes, my kids are the most importan thing in the world to me, but lots of parents smoke knowing that they could die a premature death from lung cancer because they are nicotine addicts. I am an addict of sexual passion. |
| October 23rd, 2005 11:57 AM |
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| pavlovs dog |
The queen of the Nile
She laid on her throne
And she was drifting downstream
On a barge that was burnished with gold
Royal purple the sails
So sweetly perfumed
And poor Mark Antony's
Senses were drowned
And his future was doomed
He was blinded by love
He was blinded by love
The Philistines paid
For Samson's blind rage
The secrets that two lovers share
Should never have been betrayed
He was blinded by love
He was blinded by love
Now it's no use crying or weeping
You better lock up your soul for safe keeping
Promise me
The poor Prince of Wales
He gave up his crown
All for the trivial pursuit of
A parvenu second-hand lady
So lovers beware
If you lose your heart
Careful now, don't lose your mind
Don't mortgage your soul to a stranger
Don't be blinded by love
Don't be blinded by love
Blinded by love
Blinded by love
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