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Topic: The New Contest For August!!! Return to archive Page: 1 2 3
08-06-02 10:28 PM
Sir Stonesalot Wellllllllllllll, time has come today...TIME!

Yup, yup, yup...contest time here again at Rocks Off. This month you are playing for a copy of the soundtrack for "Ladies and Gentlemen: The Rolling Stones". This is a pretty common recording...except this one comes from the movie reels, you can still hear the projectionist beeps for reel changes. Without a doubt this is the cleanest '72 recording that I have. The quality is amazing. Not quite Steel Wheels Tokyo, or Voodoo Edo, quality...but for '72 it's as good as it gets.

So what do you have to do to get this fine fine fine fine fine bit of Stonesia? Show your tits? Nahhhh, already been done.

Nope. This time you gotta come up with something creative to do with Dirty Work...other than listening to it.

Again, I am the sole judge on this. Sucking up to the judge is always welcomed. And remember, if you don't play in the spirit intended, I will be forced to taunt you until you cry like a little girly baby.

Good luck!
08-06-02 10:52 PM
gypsy SS, you're a Leo, I'm a Leo...I'll quit beating around the bush and cut right to the chase...what I would like to do for the contest involves me and you, a copy of Dirty Work, a bottle of baby oil, a pair of battery cables, a midget, &, uh, well just e-mail me and I'll tell you the rest.
08-06-02 10:54 PM
08-06-02 11:38 PM
Maxmeister According to all polls taken on this subject, the # 2 alternative use of the DW cd is dust catcher. In fact it was consistantly rated the #1 dust catcher in all homes that had this cd and it's previous incarnations of tape and vinyl.
The #1 alternative use of the DW cd by a wide margin was a beer coaster. Not just any beer coaster, but one that holds a beautiful frosty pint of Heineken on draught. The beauty of it is the way it captures the sweat from that beautiful frosty pint of Heineken. These perfectly formed beads of water reflect off the shiny silver surface of the disc [coaster] to create a prism of light that is truly a breathtaking sight to behold. And when you're finished using the disc[coaster] it wipes clean with a cotton lint free cloth. No muss, no fuss. For added protection and optimum beading, the occasional use of a name brand disc[coaster] cleaner such as Maxell is recommended.


PS. I will disqualify myself for obvious reasons, SS. Just a little fun here late in the evening.
PSS. Did you get my email?

08-06-02 11:45 PM
Sir Stonesalot Rick!

#1 What email?

#2 Why are you disqualifying yourself? You think just because you are C10 that your gonna win? gypsy just offered to do naughty things to me with a Dirty Work think you can compete with THAT? Dude, you ain't no gypsy!
08-07-02 12:05 AM
Maxmeister SS, I wouldn't disqualify myself for being part of C10. I just thought the boot might go to someone who doesn't have a large collection. Not that I thought I would win.
I emailed you on your birthday. One of my late night emails pertaining to the NYC Summit. Please check for sure it's not there and email me. If it's MIA, I'll email you tomorrow as a reply to yours and see if that works.

Rick, C10 NYC??? SPIV or alternative???
08-07-02 12:22 AM
littleredrooster The Dirty Work CD would be the perfect replacement for the balls in 'StonedInAustralia's mouth.
08-07-02 12:58 AM
TheSavageYoungXyzzy EXT.: PRISON CELL: CUBA

A US MARINE stands at the ready next to a barbed wire gate. The PRISONER is seated inside his chain-link cell, head down. An INTERROGATOR arrives, carrying a BRIEFCASE, handcuffed to him. The MARINE salutes and allows the INTERROGATOR IN. The MARINE quickly grabs a pair of earplugs.


The INTERROGATOR looks down at the PRISONER, who in turn looks up at his captor. The hate flows between them.

INTERROGATOR: You've been silent these three months. Do you really want me to do this?

The PRISONER spits at his captor.

INTERROGATOR: Very well. You know, of course, that under United States law and under the Geneva Convention it is illegal for me to do what I am about to be doing - but you'll be too scarred afterwards to put together a cohesive sentence in front of the review panel...
PRISONER: Infidel! You would not-
INTERROGATOR: Will you tell me all I need to know? Or are you going to force this on yourself?

The INTERROGATOR idly flips in the combination for his briefcase, sets it down, and opens it. From the PRISONER'S POV, all that is seen is a pair of speakers and a flash of a corner of something, something... blue...

PRISONER: Gahh! Do your worst!
INTERROGATOR: Remember, you asked for it...

The INTERROGATOR quickly pulls out a pair of earplugs and puts them in. The opening of "Too Rude" is heard...


There is a prolonged howl of torment over "Too Rude". DISPLAY: "FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER"


The PRISONER is on the ground, howling, grabbing onto the INTERROGATOR's pant leg. "Back To Zero" is playing.

PRISONER: Please! Please! Stu's piano solo! "One Hit"! A reprive! Anything!
INTERROGATOR: What? What? "Winning Ugly" did you say?
PRISONER: I'm ready to listen to friggin' "Emotional Rescue" and like it here! I'll be your knight in shining armor any damn day! Puh-leeeeeeeze make it stop! Make it stop!

The PRISONER begins bawling uncontrollably. The music stops, the INTERROGATOR takes the plugs out of his ears.

INTERROGATOR: Works every time.


-tSYX --- Ronnie Wood wants YOU! Join Ronnie's Regulars - the special US/British unit that... gets drunk! And... stoned! And... remembers how great it used to be!

P.S.: tSYX Ltd., can neither confirm nor deny large amounts of chocolate, gold boullion, Mick Taylor, plane tickets for Gypsy and her copy of Dirty Work, etc., appearing at Sir Stonsalot's door having anything to do with him. Bribery is acceptable only in ambiguity!
P.P.S.: I'm worried mine might qualify as "listening" somehow. Clarification? Cause if it is I'll have to think of something else, and I hate thinking.

P.P.P.S.: This does not deny the possibility of bribes regardless.
[Edited by TheSavageYoungXyzzy]
08-07-02 01:00 AM
Sir Stonesalot Whoa...Roostah...that's very good.


Quite frankly, I give the thing away to whomever I feel like at the end. I don't know who has what as far as boots go. It's all about having fun, getting creative, and having a couple of good laughs.

Here's my entry:

Dirty Work cds should be used as chaff,(a defensive measure that out Air Force and Navy pilots use when evading radar seeking missles)next time we blow up Iraq. So instead of blowing up the CDs for no reason, they'll still get blown up, but save our pilots lives at the same time!

Damn, that's good. you will all have to work overtime to top that one!
08-07-02 01:02 AM
gypsy That is so funny, SS! I don't think anyone can top that! God, you crack me up!

*Sucking up to the judge is always good!*
08-07-02 01:09 AM
gypsy wrote:
*Sucking up to the judge is always good!*

Your feminine wiles will do nothing!
Except seduce the judge...


My question still stands, though - am I too close to "listening" for comfort? Because I just thought of a backup if I am.

-tSYX --- Bribery good, Mick Taylor bad. (Are we sensing a theme in my signoffs lately?)
08-07-02 01:16 AM
Sir Stonesalot Hmmmmmm. Is torture actually listening.

In an existential form, I would say yes it is. But from a purely metaphysical stance, I would be inclined to

Hope that helps tSYX.
08-07-02 05:21 AM
stonedinaustralia being creative with "dirty work" is easy and fun for people of all ages - although one must occasionally take a little license with correct spelling to achieve some results - as you will see from the following it allows for hours of amusing "triky word" play:

"kid worry 't'" - a shirt for parents with a problem child

"dry wik rot" - a malaise that strikes men who go without sexual intercourse for long periods of time

"dorky writ" - a summons issued to people accused of being dick-heads

"dry wit rok" - a new style of music played by people with a deadpan sense of humour

and,gee, mr.stonesalot you sure are a real cool guy...when i grow up i wannabe just like you...witty, urbane, sophisticated yet unpretentious, elegant, intelligent and all that with a heart of gold...and even 'tho it's hard to tell over the internet i bet you smell really nice as well...

08-07-02 05:42 AM
parmeda "Sucking up to the judge is always good!"

hmmm...let me try to get this straight to see what the man means...(I could try to reword that sentence. Deep down, it's a subliminal thing.)

How about:
"Sucking the Judge."
"The Judge is sucking good."
"The Judge is up to the sucking."
"Is the sucking always good, Judge?"

How's that for some Dirty Work?

08-07-02 08:41 AM
Fiji Joe "gypsy just offered to do naughty things to me with a Dirty Work disc..."

You want naughty, brother do I have something in store for you! Now, are you gonna follow the beat, or do I have to whip ya?
08-07-02 08:48 AM
sly dw cd makes a great beer coaster
08-07-02 09:05 AM
Maxlugar Why......why?????????

Why do you all want to make Maxy cry?

"When you put Love in gear, all the roads are smooth" - Maxlugar 8/7/02.

08-07-02 11:45 AM
egon Q;
"you gotta come up with something creative to do with Dirty Work"

NOT buying it.
08-07-02 12:51 PM
Nasty Habits The red shrink wrap from the cover, coupled with the blue shrink wrap from the original cover of Wish You Were Here, make for an excellent 3D "window pane" viewer for all those 3-D festivals sweeping America's cable stations as we speak.

Had It with You, if I recall, can be used as a vermin repellant. I seem to recall Maxy mentioning that it can give heart attacks to ratts.

The most creative thing I ever did with Dirty Work was base my entire life around it.

Kid Worry T? That guy was the coolest seven year old MC in the history of early Hip Hop! The prepubescent Slick Rick, man. "I'd Feel Your Titties (If You Had 'Em)" was an ode to second grade lust unlike anything since "Stray Cat". His 12"'s go for about sixty bucks on Ebay if you list 'em right.

As far as the torture/listening conundrum, let's consider the following: Is what Max Von Sydow does to Dustin Hoffman in "The Marathon Man" dentistry?

[Edited by Nasty Habits]
08-07-02 09:25 PM
Sir Stonesalot Anyone else?
08-07-02 09:36 PM
TheSavageYoungXyzzy Indecision... rrr...

Hrmm... OK, scratch the last one, keep it up, take it down, whatever, but scratch it. It involves listening.

What to do with Dirty Work?

Send all those unsold copies to Russia. The game of Russian Roulette becomes much more deadly - There are six jewel cases in black plastic wrapping placed face down. Five of them are empty. One of them contains Dirty Work. The loser must open it and paper-cut themselves to death with the garishly-colored paper and terrible illegible cartoon. If this fails, they must eat the disc. They are then sent home and if they live, then they get a complimentery copy to do with what they please.

-tSYX --- Would it help to ease the pain?

I said "less" when I meant "more". Silly me... hahaa...
[Edited by TheSavageYoungXyzzy]
08-07-02 10:06 PM
Soul Survivor Here's the story of the Rolling Stones album "Dirty Work"..............and what became of it.

"Wow!" John says as he has just heard the stones for the first time on the radio. "I have to buy an album by those dudes!".

John walks into a record store. The guy behind the counter is wearing a black shirt with a red tongue. "Hello" John says to the man. "Hey, how can I help you" the man replies. "I want to buy a Rolling Stones album" John says. The man points to a shelf tha has Stones albums.

John walks over to it. "Cool". John picks up an album that has Keith wearing the world's ugliest shoes sitting on the worlds uggliest couch. John picks it up and takes it to the cash register dude.

"Are you sure you want THIS one?" the guy says. "Yeah" John says. "Let me ask you something.......uh.....". "John" john rpelies. "Let me ask you something John, do you have a dog?"

John: Yes
Guy: Does it crap in the house?
John: Yes
Guy: Then this is the perfect album for you
John: Huh?
Guy: Don't listen to this when you get home. Instead, when your dog goes to crap, put the actual CD under it's ass. That will send signels to the brain never to crap in the house again,
John: Thanks!

(John leaves)

Guy: I have just saved another person to listening to that shit.....and I ripped him off

(The guy starts to smile as Barber shop music starts to play)

Guy: (Singing to the music) Oh, come to me with musical desire
Don't you hesitate
Buy Dirty Work if you please
It's cleans up Dog Waste

Guy: Now I know where it got the name "DIRTY work".

(Back at John's house)

John: I made my dog shit on it........but the CD player won't play the CD!

(A commercial on John's TV starts)

Man In Commercial: Dirty Work.......A dog's toilet paper
08-07-02 11:08 PM
Nasty Habits Vinyl LPs work better by far as collectors of dogshit than do CDs, which are far to small for anything but a rabbitload.

I've scooped dogshit with LPs more than once -- I know what I'm talking about.

Real records store guys who sit behind the counter in their black shirt red tongue T-shirts use Eagles records (actually we use Andy Williams records) to scoop dogshit.

If you look in the history books . . .

You dwell in the past

08-07-02 11:11 PM
Soul Survivor wrote:

(A commercial on John's TV starts)

Man In Commercial: Dirty Work.......A dog's toilet paper

Is this a great country or what? Hi tech dog shit paper. And recycled no less. Also, reusable. Just spray a little disc[coaster or dog shit paper, your choice] cleaner on it and it's ready for the next time.

08-08-02 07:45 AM
Maxlugar You guys wouldn't know good hard rock if it crawled up your ass and laid eggs that spawned intestine eating dung beetles that ate their way through your chest cavity and into your brain!

Dirty Work as a couple of clinkers but it rocks good and hard for the most part.

I protest this contest!

Mmmmmm-ma-ma mmmmmmmmmmmmm-ma-ma mmmmmmmmmmmmaxy!

08-08-02 04:34 PM
Soul Survivor yup........"Back To Zero" is an awesome headbanger

J/K: Just cuz it has like 1 or 2 songs that are decent doesn't mean it's good
08-08-02 05:41 PM
Honky Tonker Take that piece of shit outside and make fake flying saucer pictures!
08-08-02 05:43 PM
Honky Tonker wrote:
Take that piece of shit outside and make fake flying saucer pictures!


-tSYX --- And play "Too Rude" in the background.
08-08-02 10:12 PM
Soul Survivor who won the contest
08-08-02 11:09 PM
KeepRigid Something creative to do with Dirty Work.

Well, for starters, I would attempt to call it...try to catch it before it logged on tonight and saw all of you making fun of it.

Unfortunately, being the cornerstone of any used cd bin's 'Rolling Stones' section, it doesn't see much in the way of royalties. Now, bearing that in mind, you will understand when I tell you that it only has a standard dial-up connection which it has to share with the telephone line.

You will also understand how, by making that call tonight, I would be met with nothing more than a busy signal.

So I'd drive over.

Sure enough, there it would be sitting in front of the computer, reading its email.


Wouldn't have seen it yet. But, as I'd walk around to sit down, I'd notice...a single tear.


"Listen," I'd begin. "Now, you KNOW if they'd included 'Strictly Memphis', 'You're Too Much', and 'What Am I Supposed To Do...'- would be having none of it.

So now it'd feel bad, and you guys would look like a bunch of assholes.

But, I'd convince it to get away from the computer and get out for a while. I'd take it downtown and we'd chat up some children.

Then it would notice Springsteen's 'Human Touch' sitting at the bar, getting drunk while reading about 'The Rising'. All three of us would share a drink, as the two recordings would then realize their common bond as two very bitter little bastards.

At this point- if you've been keeping track- I'd now be looking at a sizeable tab, and would also be just a few more inches away from pounding a wall at the Dade County Stockade. Fortunately for me, also at this point, the two recordings would decide they'd had enough, and would stay just long enough to talk a little shit to the couple sitting near the door- Dylan's 'Under the Red Sky' and 'Coverdale/Page'.

All in all, it'd be a fun night.
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