MAY 07, 2007
ARTICLES > MUSIC
The 15 Best Songs That Are Totally About Masturbation
by Kevin Hill w/ CRACKED Staff
Prostitution may be the oldest profession, but masturbation is the oldest pastime. And while there are many memorable cinematic masturbation scenes—a quick polling of CRACKED deskies produced titles like Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Porky's and American Beauty—only CRACKED intern Ryan Grim could come up with a single song on the topic, and he was masturbating when we asked him. In other words, the Internet could use a definitive list of songs that are totally about masturbating.
15"My Ding-A-Ling"
Chuck Berry
When I was little boy in grammar school,
Always went by the very best rule,
But every time the bell would ring,
You'd catch me playing with my ding-a-ling.
So many important questions are raised here. Does Berry have some sort of Pavlovian reaction whereby every time he hears a bell, he whips it out and starts going to town? If so, we're not sure that's the very best rule for grammar school, or any school for that matter. In fact, by the time senior year of high school rolled around, with it's 14 bells a day and underage freshman girls, we're guessing things got downright litigious.
On second thought, Mr. Berry did grow up in the '30s, and you know what they say about public masturbation and the Great Depression...
14"Darling Nikki"
Prince
Knew a girl named Nikki,
I guess you could say she was a sex friend.
I met her in a hotel lobby,
Masturbating with a magazine.
We have a feeling most of Prince's stories start out with, "So I was hanging out in the hotel lobby, when suddenly I saw a girl masturbating with a magazine." But was she actually rubbing a rolled-up Playgirl against her yodel patch, or was she merely looking at the naked dudes while fiddling herself? Prince should really clarify these things in the liner notes, because if ever there was a lyric that could cause confused young people to hurt themselves, this is it.
13"Icicle"
Tori Amos
And when my hand touches myself,
I can finally rest my head.
And when they take from his body,
I think I'll take from mine instead,
Getting off, getting off while they're all downstairs.
Icicle" is our first entry from a woman and—surprise, surprise—it's Tori Amos. For some reason, she's always come off like a chronic masturbator. Maybe it's her boring, introspective music videos. Maybe it's the fact that she appears to be masturbating in at least a quarter of the images that accompany this YouTube audio clip. Or maybe it's the time she sent us that unsolicited humor submission about how she wore down the knob on her clit-hitter. Sorry, Tori, it just wasn't right for us, but feel free to contact us with any questions. And in case you're wondering how a Tori Amos song made it onto a "Best of.." anything list, the simple answer is that we were lesbians in college.
12"Orgasm Addict"
The Buzzcocks
Well you tried it just for once found it all right for kicks,
But now you found out that it's a habit that sticks,
And you're an orgasm addict, you're an orgasm addict,
Sneaking in the back door with dirty magazines.
Now your mother wants to know what all those stains on your jeans.
It's no surprise that this band, named after a vibrator, penned a few ditties about pleasuring oneself. The song's titular orgasm addict is so out of control that his jeans are covered with stains, which raises an important question: If you were literally addicted to masturbation, would you really be giving your jeans an impromptu stone washing before hanging out with your mom? Wouldn't an addict be a little better at concealing it? It's not like alcoholics drink whiskey right before coming home and kissing their wives. They mix it in with their morning coffee so no one will smell it on them. Which bring us to another important question: God damn you dad, why couldn't you have just been an orgasm addict?
11 "Pictures of Lily"
The Who
Pictures of Lily made my life so wonderful.
Pictures of Lily helped me sleep at night.
Pictures of Lily solved my childhood problems.
Pictures of Lily helped me feel alright.
We're going to sidestep the obvious joke about Lily's age here, and get right down to what everyone's imagining while reading the above lyrics: Pete Townsend doing windmill strums with one arm, with his plonker stretched out in the other. Or are we the only the only ones envisioning this?
10" I'm a Wanker"
Ivor Biggun and the Winkers
I'm Britain's champion wanker,
Renowned throughout the land.
Everybody knows my name,
But nobody wants to shake my hand.
Tom Sizemore aside, seldom do people take such unabashed pride in spanking their dick around. Unlike Mr. Biggun, most of us would define ourselves by our profession or by our religion or as fathers or mothers. Ivor's taken a different tack here and, you know, good for him. But how does he know he's truly the best? Unlike Los Angeles youth karate tournaments or heavyweight boxing matches, rubbing oneself has no official competition or governing body. Ivor sound like he knows what he's doing, but until he proves it in organized competition, CRACKED will have to continue recognizing the monkey in this video as the official champ. We suspect that the Wall Street Journal will take the same position.
9 "St. Swithin's Day"
Billy Bragg
With my own hands,
When I make love to your memory,
It's not the same.
I miss the thunder,
I miss the rain.
For everyone's favorite socialist troubadour Billy Bragg, masturbating and bad weather seem inextricably linked. Funny, for us, it's always been attractive women that aren't wearing many clothes. But whatever you're into, Bill. (And since you should never have to think about some people masturbating, we've embedded a video of an attractive woman named Sarah Blackwood singing the song instead of Mr. Bragg.)
8 "Dancing With Myself"
Billy Idol
When there's no-one else in sight,
In the crowded lonely night,
Well I wait so long,
For my love vibration,
And I'm dancing with myself.
This song could actually be about dancing with oneself. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. But Billy Idol is such a jerk-off, and "love vibration" is such a lame phrase, that it's almost definitely about jerking off. Fun Fact: while this song was ironic in the '80s when Billy Idol could get laid easier than he could get groceries, it's lyrics, sadly, are true now—Billy Idol spends most days dancing around his one-bedroom apartment naked, jacking off once or twice an hour. Life really imitates art, doesn't it?
7 "The Keys to Her Ferrari"
Thomas Dolby
Little rivers of anticipation ran down my inseam,
As I kicked those 500 Italian horses into life and left reality behind me.
50, 60, 70 miles an hour,
My hand slipped inside the belt of my trousers,
As we hit 80, 90 miles an hour,
And as we passed the magic100 my love exploded,
All over her bright pink leather interior,
And at that moment, I thought of my mother.
There's a lot going on here, and we're not exactly sure what to make of any of it. To begin with, when sexually aroused, Mr. Dolby experiences little rivers running down his inseam. So, does that mean he has a vagina? Does it mean he pees his pants a little bit when faced with the prospect of sexual gratification? Also of note, Dolby seems to have a fetish similar to that of the car crash-obsessed characters in David Cronenberg's Crash. Only instead of twisted metal, Dolby's jibblies get worked up at the thought of exceeding 100 mph. This guy must be a mess on commercial airlines.
6. "Blister in the Sun"
The Violent Femmes
Let me go on, like I blister in the sun,
Let me go on, big hands I know your the one.
Body and beats, I stain my sheets,
I don't even know why.
If you're getting blisters, you're kneading your ham way too much. And if you're doing it out in the sun, there's a pretty good chance people can see you. In both cases, you've most likely got a problem. The band has recently claimed "Blister in the Sun" is really about a girl who likes big hands. So the "beats/stained sheets" rhyming couplet is, apparently, about making a salad in bed.
5 "Praying Hands"
Devo
You got your left hand,
You got your right hand,
The left hand's diddling,
While the right hand goes to work.
Ah yes, the ol' ambidextrous method (known to us as the Danny Tanner). We can only assume these kooky Ohioans are referring to the practice of cupping the moneybag with one hand while the other hand earns the paycheck. We're not sure if this means that it's cool to masturbate at work or not, but we're pretty certain that it's not the best idea to take sex-ed advice from grown men who wear flowerpots on their heads.
4 "Turning Japanese"
The Vapors
This I've got your picture, I've got your picture,
I'd like a million of you all round my cell.
I want a doctor to take your picture,
So I can look at you from inside as well.
You've got me turning up and turning down,
And turning in and turning 'round.
I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese.
The great song from the new wave era mixes excessive masturbation and racial insensitivity into one incredibly creepy, undeniably catchy stew. The title implies that too much hand-shandy will leave you squinting like a stereotypical Japanese person—it sounds like the Vapors' parents and our parents read the same pamphlet, "Ways to Scare Your Constantly Masturbating American Child." The way we always chose to look at it: if you punish your baby ferret enough, you can learn a new language.
3 "She Bop"
Cyndi Lauper
Hey, hey, they say I better get a chaperone,
Because I can't stop messin' with the danger zone.
No, I won't worry, and I won't fret,
Ain't no law against it yet.
Oop, she bop, she bop.
Until our slumber party concept album is released next month, this will be the catchiest song about girlie masturbation. But however catchy, Cyndi Lauper better make sure she explains to the chaperone that one of his duties will be prying her hands out of her vagina, because that's not usually under a chaperone's purview. In addition to introducing us to the existence of chaperones that forcibly stopped masturbation, "She Bop" also introduced us to the phrase "danger zone," which is used to refer to a lady area. Wait, does that mean that the song "Highway to the Danger Zone" is about traveling to a girl's Christian spot? Because we find it hard to believe that Kenny Loggins would want to be anywhere near a human vagina.
2 "I Touch Myself"
DiVinyls
Do we even need to write the lyrics here? You know the damn thing by now don't you? Don't you? Fine, here it is:
I don't want anybody else,
And when I think about you I touch myself.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, aah.
Whereas most songs about solo sex depend on euphemisms and innuendo, this band of Aussies pretty much says it like it is. And as the '80s documentary Crocodile Dundee demonstrated, there's nothing Aussies do better than shoot from the hip. It's like DiVinyls listened to all the other songs on this list and said, "That's not a song about masti-bayshoon—this is a song about masti-bayshoon." On a side note, where are all of the Australian dudes who kill Crocodiles and make pithy comments about the backwards nature of American life? All the ones we meet seem more interested in having gelled hair and engaging us in drunken conversations about extreme sports.
1 "Pump It Up"
Elvis Costello
Down in the pleasure centers,
Hell bent or heaven sent,
Listen to the propaganda,
Listen to the latest slander.
There's nothing underhand,
That she wouldn't understand.
Pump it up until you can feel it.
Pump it up when you don't really need it.
See, even one of rock's smartest songwriters has written lyrics about this base subject. The reason being that like war, politics and two-person love, masturbation has been ubiquitous in music ever since humans decided to invent it. Though our Latin may be a little shaky, the last term we heard the 1,200-year-old Gregorian Chant, we're pretty sure the phrase "flogging the dolphin" was in there somewhere.
[Edited by Ten Thousand Motels]
12th May 2007 11:13 AM
Dan
No "Constantly Jackin'" by The Mentors? This list sucks!
12th May 2007 11:17 AM
GotToRollMe
"Pictures Of Lily" may very well be my favorite Who song.
12th May 2007 11:19 AM
fireontheplatter
what on earth does this have to do with the rolling stones?
12th May 2007 11:25 AM
Dan
quote:fireontheplatter wrote:
what on earth does this have to do with the rolling stones?
You've never masturbated with the Stones playing?
[Edited by Dan]
12th May 2007 11:27 AM
fireontheplatter
quote:Dan wrote:
You've never masturbated with the Stones playing?
we don't need to go there really now do we.....
carry on
12th May 2007 11:30 AM
Dan
And where is "Epic," "Squeeze Me Macaroni," and "The Girls Of Porn?" Did I say this list sucks?
12th May 2007 01:08 PM
The_Worst
"Mary-Anne With The Shaky Hands" is The Who's second great song about masterbation-or do handjobs not count?
12th May 2007 01:11 PM
mojoman
quote:fireontheplatter wrote:
what on earth does this have to do with the rolling stones?
can't get no satisfaction?
12th May 2007 01:15 PM
Dan
quote:The_Worst wrote:
"Mary-Anne With The Shaky Hands" is The Who's second great song about masterbation-or do handjobs not count?
"Dead Goon" by Mr. Bungle, or does auto-asphyxiation not count?
12th May 2007 01:31 PM
Dan
These songs totally blow away any of the ones on that list.
Can't find the lyrics for Constanty Jackin' or my copy of Rock Bible but it's also totally brilliant if not too subtle.
FAITH NO MORE "Jizzlobber"
They will sum it all up in a sentence
A verdict made by those who know
I'm ready to make a commitment
I'm willing to make love to concrete
Smiles
Bruises
Smiles
Bruises
Bars in the womb
I hide the dirty minutes under my dirty mattress and they are making me itch
My time
Is spilt milk
My skin is a layer of soot
I'm spending my days scrubbing
I'm trying so hard to act like nothing happened (no one left to blame)
I'm trying so hard to find that fresh, clean smell (no one left to blame)
Smiles
Bruises
Smiles
Bruises
Bars in the womb
I hide the dirty minutes under my dirty mattress and they are making me itch
My time
Is spilt milk
Cruel world sleeps above me
Mounting and teasing
I AM WHAT I'VE DONE
I AM WHAT I'VE DONE
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
Sorry
Sorry
Sorry
Can you feel it, see it, hear it today?
If you can't, then it doesn't matter anyway
You will never understand it cuz it happens too fast
And it feels so good, it's like walking on glass
It's so cool, it's so hip, it's alright
It's so groovy, it's outta sight
You can touch it, smell it, taste it so sweet
But it makes no difference cuz it knocks you off your feet
You want it all but you can't have it
It's cryin', bleedin', lying on the floor
So you lay down on it and you do it some more
You've got to share it, so you dare it
Then you bare it and you tear it
You want it all but you can't have it
It's in your face but you can't grab it
It's alive, afraid, a lie, a sin
It's magic, it's tragic, it's a loss, it's a win
It's dark, it's moist, it's a bitter pain
It's sad it happened and it's a shame
You want it all but you can't have it
It's in your face but you can't grab it
What is it?
It's it
What is it?...
======================================================
Mr. Bungle Squeeze Me Macaroni Lyrics
I wanna lock Betty Crocker in the kitchen
And knock her upper during supper
Clutter up her butter gutter
Hostess Ding Dong wrapped an eggroll around my wong
While Dolly Madison proceded to ping my pong
Your Milky Way is M'n'M in your britches
And I'll tell you Baby Ruth it looks mighty delicious
Keep blowing my gum, cuz here I come
I'm gonna get you all sticky with my Bubble Yum
Knick knack paddywhack and give your dog a bone, baby
I was givin' some head to some french bread
It was a four course orgy on the spread of my bed
French kissin' french fries in my Fruit of the Looms
I get deeper penetration with a fork and a spoon
I got yogurt meat loaf smeared all over my ass
I stick my weiner in two buns and and then give it the gas
Sour cream from my spleen into Levi jeans
Gonna bust the seams with my refried beans
Ronald McDonald just loves to be fondled
With Big Mac he'll fuck it like a Chicken McNugget
Colonel Sanders wants to goose Granny's loose caboose
He's gonna give her a boost with that Kentucky fried juice
Sooper doop poop scoop, loop de loop, chicken coop
Shoot some hoop, top sirloin from the groin
Topped with dick cheese, sneeze, wheeze,
From the skeez disease, wooi!
Take a dump, baby, squirt some gravy
Pour some sugar on me, honey, make it brown & runny
Give a little Flavor Flav, back from the grave
Gonna burn some toast, pump some humpin' rump roast
Knick knack paddywhack, jump in the sack, in fact
Jerk the smack and crack Jack from the back
Bananarama or ramabanana
Fuckin' Barry Manilow on the Copa Cabana
Squeeze me macaroni, slop your face with my bologna
You gotta syphon the spinach, you gotta cream the corn
Sperm scrambles the eggs and a meal is born
Cookin' like a beginner, but I'm goin' up in her
I had Fritos for lunch I'm havin' bush for dinner
Chef Boyardee and the Three Muskateers
Shove Charleston Chews in their rears like queers
"Holy moly, guacamole!" said my Chips Ahoy
I'm gonna pinch a ravioli on the Pillsbury dough boy
Knick knack paddywhack and give your dog a boner, baby
We came to pottie...we came to pottie down your throat
Mr. Bungle The Girls of Porn Lyrics
Okay, all you pus-sucking motherfuckers out there
It's time to win a chance to butt-bang
Your daughter's tight virgin cherry ass to caller #666
The urge is too much to take
All I can think about is playing with myself
It's time to masturbate
I've got my Hustler and I don't need nothin' else
Ginger...Ginger
My hand gets tired and my dick gets sore
But the girls of porn want more
So I flip throught the pages one more time
And I just let the jism fly
Yeah yeah yeah
A quarter for a peep show
A private booth or talking to a naked whore
XXX video
976 and I can whack it on the phone
Nobody's home, I'm alone
The devil in Miss Jones
Nobody's home, I'm alone
Aja & John Holmes
We got gushin' gonads, tingling tushes
Hairy balls and hairy bushes
S & M, whips and chains
Pregnant ladies with menstrual pains
We got hand jobs and nipple tweaks
Finger bangs and slappin' cheeks
We got rape, necro & both ways
And lots of hung studs for all you gays
We got incest & bestiality too
We got Sade & the sweetest taboo
We got girls who'll eat your pee and poo
And guys who'd love to fuck your shoe
There's she-males, lezbos, & shaved beav
And D-cup mamas with so much cleave
Senior citizens who love to watch
And sniff those skid marks from your crotch - yeah!
Ain't got no woman next to me
I just got this magazine
And what's on the TV screen
But that's okay with me
I was trained to fuck you baby...
Lyrics > Mr. Bungle Lyrics > Mr. Bungle The Girls of Porn Lyrics
Mr. Bungle Dead Goon Lyrics
Nobler than Oedipus
Clairvoyant and toothless
Foreplay with no friends
Premature until the end
I've got a secret
Babbling senseless
No one will ever know
Kids can be so cruel
Smash the feeling
Suckle the sugar breast
Too happy - a jerk beyond a smile
An asphyxiophile
I'm the Humper; stop hitting me
Walking the plank, swallowing dirt
Johnny - just skin and juice and hair
A hero unaware
Tied in a knot beneath giggling
My own two hands tickling me
Innocent friction
Boys and girls are stealing my oxygen
Sex? There's no such thing
All that's left is laughing, choking, laughing
Playing solitaire
A rope and mommy's underwear
Hanging on, letting go
Dangling to and fro
NOOO
It can't happen here
Floating away
Tingling
Fluid seeping
Family weeping
It feels so good
So bad
But please
Don't tease me
====================================
Mr. Bungle Love is a Fist Lyrics
Clenched emotions
'Round my ween
Feel my heart beat
Off and your head in
I feel strongly about violence
Love is a fist
There's no effort
To what's in
Open faced
Knuckle sandwich
I feel strongly about violence
Love is a fist
fistloveisafistloveisafistloveisafistloveis...
Lyrics > Mr. Bungle Lyrics > Mr. Bungle Love is a Fist Lyrics
12th May 2007 02:29 PM
Starbuck
TTM...masturbation songs?
even for you this is a new low....
12th May 2007 03:53 PM
Joey
quote:GotToRollMe wrote:
"Pictures Of Lily" may very well be my favorite Who song.
I masturbate .
It is certainly true --- I DO !!!!
J. Fly !
12th May 2007 03:54 PM
Nasty Habits
Let's see . . .
There's "Pumpin' to Playboy", by the Gizmos . . .listen to it while reading the
SS Bunnythread.
And while it was mentioned, I love the 45 sleeve for "Turning Japanese" by the Vapors
"She's Vibrator Dependent" by Mojo Nixon and Skid Roper
Tom Waits seduces himself and "makes the scene with a magazine" on the great Nighthawks at the Diner record . . .
and last but certainly not least is the all girl band punk rock classic
"The Vibrator Song" by the Red Aunts
Amusingly enough, the last time I found this 45 I ended up selling it TO one of the Red Aunts, who no longer had a copy of it. Which is some kind of autogratification in and of itself . . .
I think she was just on Throwdown with Bobby Flay in the "cupcake" challenge, but that may be mere internet rumor.
Sorry Starbuck, but I never could stand that dog . . .
[Edited by Dr. Filth]
[Edited by Sleazy Hugh]
[Edited by Nasty Habits]
12th May 2007 04:16 PM
Ten Thousand Motels
quote:Joey wrote:
I masturbate .
It is certainly true --- I DO !!!!
BE CAREFUL JOEY, BE VERY CAREFUL.
The Fatal Consequences of Masturbation: a cautionary, illustrated HOW(not)TO from a mid-19th-century French book with no name.
http://www.neatorama.com/neat/worst-sin.htm
[Edited by Ten Thousand Motels]
12th May 2007 07:44 PM
Ten Thousand Motels
quote:Starbuck wrote:
TTM...masturbation songs?
even for you this is a new low....
A new low!?!
Cool.....I wouldn't want anyone to think I was all washed up.
[Edited by Ten Thousand Motels]
12th May 2007 09:55 PM
Mahatma Kane Jeeves
The Stroke-Clarence Carter
13th May 2007 12:13 AM
Brainbell Jangler
"Rattlesnake Shake" by Fleetwood Mac (the original Peter Green lineup, not Buckingham-Nicks).
"Pictures Of Lily" is the one. The rest is kinda, like, OK. For a while.
13th May 2007 08:20 AM
MRD8
Rosie by Jackson Browne on Running On Empty.
13th May 2007 08:45 AM
Lord Homosex
I might be wrong but I always thought one of the verses in "Right on Time" by Lucinda is about M.
"I take off my watch and my earrings
My bracelets and everything
Lie on my back and moan at the ceiling
Oh my baby..
Think about you and that long ride
Bite my nails I get weak inside
Reach over and turn out the light
Oh my baby.."
Now that is a lady getting hot.
13th May 2007 10:17 AM
Gazza
uh.....a little ditty called "Rocks off" by the Rolling Stones.....
13th May 2007 10:21 AM
GotToRollMe
quote:Nasty Habits wrote:
Tom Waits seduces himself and "makes the scene with a magazine" on the great Nighthawks at the Diner record . . .
Sorry Starbuck, but I never could stand that dog . . .
LOL...always nice to see a Waits devotee.
13th May 2007 01:41 PM
Nasty Habits
quote:Gazza wrote:
uh.....a little ditty called "Rocks off" by the Rolling Stones.....
Word. All that chick has to do is dance and she gets off.
13th May 2007 03:42 PM
Gazza
quote:fireontheplatter wrote:
what on earth does this have to do with the rolling stones?
"I'm telling you - there's plenty of wankers in The Rolling Stones" (Keith Richards, 'Loaded' interview, circa 1995)
13th May 2007 04:36 PM
Throwaway
High And Mighty - Hands on experience pt 2
[Kool Keith]
You know baby
I've been thinkin about you a lot
You know I've been doin a lot of.. private things on my own
Just me in the bathroom, by myself
You know, a little hands on experience
You know, just a little thing for myself
Yo, I'm six million dollars, rappin like I'm Steve Austin
Made of steel, diamonds glitter on the Ampex reel
Superchargin my brain cells, glowin extra large and
my afro sheen, skin color should be green
Girls in the backseat, with thongs stuck between they booboo
I'm rappin through you, on sidelines he's talkin to you
My finesse in Batmobiles, cruise with Adam West
Down Bronx streets and project buildings holdin flashlights
Daily newsies, pull your maxi's out, in the movies
Make you think fast, rub powder on your diaper rash
Catch you with stomachs out, bumps out, and Jimmy Craig'n
You still be beggin, with that body shaped, like an egg'n
Rhinoceros funk, with panties piled in the trunk
Playboy books with Black Tail, my boy, readin Hustler
I pull up with no Benz, just a Plymouth Duster
Cruisin around town, naked bumpin James Brown
Underwear light blue, scratchin balls with hands down
You see me comin passin rappers like I'm Mr. Drummond
On your street pee, your colored socks, smell like feet
Timberland boots walk in Bentley's with my space suits
Astronaut sneakers standin hard by the speakers
Kool Keith..
Chorus: Kool Keith (repeat 2X)
We got butlers with maids, condos built, in Brazil
Chrysler Cordovas, Monte Carlos on the hill
The raw ingredients, with hands on experience
with Nissan trucks, worth a hundred thousand bucks
We got butlers with maids, condos built, in Brazil
Chrysler Cordovas, Monte Carlos on the hill
The raw ingredients, with hands on experience
with Nissan trucks, worth a hundred thousand bucks
[What What] + first four lines overlap chorus
What's he talking about?
I don't get it..
..
Hmmmm..
Ooooh!
..
Yo I bust my own, ready to feel thrusts
My lust explodes in loads, feelin like Big Pun
The crush, rushin to phones, for episodes, atone for sex
and videos, layin at home, that's stamped with X (hahaha)
You feelin me yet? Well then I, guess I'll commence
with my five niggaz rubbin, resort-in to self lovin
White blood runnin (yo well that's some really nasty shit)
Oh, oh well I wouldn't y'all thinkin I'm a sadomasochist
I'm past the list of niggaz who masturbate
I flash my wrists, when there's no brothers to pass the gate
Holdin myself down when I'm on the clit
I've got gadgets like I'm fuckin James Bond and shit
Flippin myself, hittin the spots, keepin it hot
Got the lights off, porn's on, ready to rock, fukkit
"Ohhh What What!" I praise myself
And I haven't went blind, I've got days of health
Even amazed at the stealth speed my hand flicks
I represent for chicks and niggaz with they hands on they shit
Hah, you got experience?
Chorus
[Bobbito Garcia]
Yo yo yo
It's Hand Solo, one time again
I'm no jerk my friends, just for dick again and again
I put a towel up on the floor
for easy post-cleanup, get up, close my door
So my roommate won't bust me
like my mom did, and my dad did
and my college roommate did, with jerkers in my palm
That's why now, I do it dry
So that's the set up, I tilt my head up
puy my fingers on my nipple, swish around my pre-cum dribble
Rippin epidermis cause it's easy to be
Shootin loads to go to bed, cause it makes me sleepy
Titties on my mind, close to ejaculation
Anal perspiration, heavy inhalation
I strive for the shoulders, in Boulder Colorado
Shoot on walls and toilet stalls is my motto
It's like that y'all y'all and you don't dare stop stop
I grab my cock until the cum drops
Mr. Eon -- you got hands on experience? (You know I do)
Grab the mic and get delerious
[Mr. Eon]
Callouses on my hand, both left and right
Vaseline, magazine, and my lovin hand with a tight
slip, put my wood in a vice grip
And then Janet Jack-me with them fine ass lips
I spew goo in the form of Elmer's Glue
Up in my mind, a pornography who's who
Channel 35 receiver, dick reliever
Spank to the thought, of me shavin beavers
I'm Mr. Miyagi, wax on, wax off
I even jerked at dinner, on the tableclothes
Paper towel napkins, tissue's not the issue
I know you be fearin this, hands on experience
So there you have it
Live, from the perverted minds
of Kool Keith, What What, Bobbito and Mr. Eon
Another case of hands on experience
Put your left hand on, pull your left hand off
Put your right hand on, and we jerk it til it's soft
We do the knuckle shuffle til the cum run out
That's what it's all about!
13th May 2007 05:32 PM
Brainbell Jangler
quote:MrPleasant wrote:
"Pictures Of Lily" is the one. The rest is kinda, like, OK. For a while.
I like "Pictures of Lily," but "Rattlesnake Shake" rocks considerably harder.
13th May 2007 05:42 PM
Joey
quote:Lord Homosex wrote:
I might be wrong but I always thought one of the verses in "Right on Time" by Lucinda is about M.
"I take off my watch and my earrings
My bracelets and everything
Lie on my back and moan at the ceiling
Oh my baby..
Think about you and that long ride
Bite my nails I get weak inside
Reach over and turn out the light
Oh my baby.."
Now that is a lady getting hot.
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