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| Saint Sway |
courtesy of Mr. George Carlin...
New Rule ..1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's
a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly
like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team
is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule ..2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window
unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule .3: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for
these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule ..4: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols.
If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule ..5: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men
care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule .6: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket... water, but without that watery taste.
Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored
water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That should be your flavored
water.
New Rule ..7: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top
is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his
ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the
Social Security crisis.
New Rule ..8: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy,
half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra
dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge
asshole.
New Rule ..9: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
deciding, "No, I don't want cash back", and pressing "Enter" again, the
kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my
Almond Joy.
New Rule ..10: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule ..11: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,
because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already
doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule ..12: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for
M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule .13: If you're going to insist on making movies based on
crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember
the reason something was a television show in the first place is that
the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule ..14: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule ..15: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom
attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint,
as if I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to
be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule ..16: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know
in months. "27 Months?" "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a
cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. I was attempting to
be nice. |
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| glencar |
When did Carlin get so boring? |
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| FrankiePeppers |
1978 |
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| Some Guy |
#8 is funny! |
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| glencar |
Yes, Starbucks jokes are so...yesterday. |
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| Riffhard |
Some of them are pretty funny. I saw Carlin in Vegas a few years ago and he just came across as a bitter angry old man. I saw him Atlanta at the Fox back in 1985 and he was much better.
Riffy |
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| Saint Sway |
I think glencar is much more of a bitter old man than Carlin |
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| Break The Spell |
quote:
Saint Sway wrote:
New Rule ..8: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy,
half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra
dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge
asshole.
I wonder if he bought Rarities or any other great music there. |
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| Ihavelotsajam |
For some reson, the first one I panned to was #7! |
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| gimmekeef |
Loved him for years..but he does the same old warhorse jokes in the same order almost everynight..His ticket prices are very high and his last album was not near as good as his 70's classics...ooops wait a minute!..Never mind |
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| TampabayStone |
quote:
Break The Spell wrote:
I wonder if he bought Rarities or any other great music there.
Let me take this time to promote that Isle bro's cd again. It's awesome. Thanks. |
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| Break The Spell |
quote:
TampabayStone wrote:
Let me take this time to promote that Isle bro's cd again. It's awesome. Thanks.
Which one, a new studio album?? |
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| TampabayStone |
quote:
Break The Spell wrote:
Which one, a new studio album??
No, it's a greatest hits. Not sure if I would buy anything new from them, but their 70's stuff is smoking. |
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| Angiegirl |
quote:
glencar wrote:
Yes, Starbucks jokes are so...yesterday.
Really? We don't have any Starbucks in Holland still. I only know of the name through TV shows, and from what I've heard, their coffee is absurdly overpriced, the wireless internet isn't even free and the shops themselves look like sterile hospital waiting rooms. Can't wait till the first shop opens here!  |
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| Saint Sway |
quote:
Angiegirl wrote:
We don't have any Starbucks in Holland still.
your "coffee" shops are just perfect the way they are. Please never let them change. |
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| rasputin56 |
Just in case anyone else was wondering why Carlin would steal Bill Maher's "new rules" schtick...
http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp |
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| Egbert |
quote:
Saint Sway wrote:
your "coffee" shops are just perfect the way they are. Please never let them change.
It's always "420" in Holland! |
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| Break The Spell |
quote:
Joey wrote:
The entire Fifth Floor of my office building is completely out of Toilet Paper !
I hope it didn't interfere with your afternoon shit too bad. |
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| glencar |
quote:
Angiegirl wrote:
Really? We don't have any Starbucks in Holland still. I only know of the name through TV shows, and from what I've heard, their coffee is absurdly overpriced, the wireless internet isn't even free and the shops themselves look like sterile hospital waiting rooms. Can't wait till the first shop opens here!
I'm not a coffee drinker. All I buy there are coffee for others & CDs. |
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| Mikey |
quote:
glencar wrote:
Yes, Starbucks jokes are so...yesterday.
Seriously Glennie,
The guys's just trying to make you laugh...where's the harm. Lighten up, Frances. |
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| glencar |
It's not enough to try, Mikey. If he fails, he's dead to me. Gabeesh? |
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| glencar |
BTW "This guy" is George Carlin who used to be pretty funny. This stuff is crap. |
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| Mikey |
quote:
glencar wrote:
It's not enough to try, Mikey. If he fails, he's dead to me. Gabeesh?
hahahahahahah, that post made me laugh. You've got more talent that old Georgie.
Have a good weekend.
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| glencar |
Shit, good weekend? I gotta work & do stuff around the house. But don't cry for me. I'm going to England next weekend. Have a good one yourself, buddy! |
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| Sir Stonesalot |
It is beyond me why any place that sells coffee would need a menu. It's coffee. It's either black, with milk, with sugar, or with milk & sugar. And why do we need flavored coffee? What's wrong with coffee flavored coffee?
Here's a hint...if you don't like the taste of coffee, FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO WAKE UP WITH!!!!! Quit making things so fuckin' complicated for the rest of us....
And any CD that Starbucks sells...some other place that doesn't suck sells 'em too. |
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| pdog |
I love coffee: the smell the taste the effect...
The only thing better than a hot cup of coffee is a line of coke and sex. |
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| Brainbell Jangler |
quote:
glencar wrote:
When did Carlin get so boring?
When he morphed into Bill Maher. |
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| corgi37 |
You are spot on, SS. But, thats what being a Yank is all about. You cant have just one coffee, you need 150. Same as you cant just have 1 burger, or 1 flavour of ice cream. Or one car (What did Henry Ford say? Oh yeah, you can have any color you like, as long as its black). Its why you guys dont make original movies anymore, you just re-hash, re-make, re-imagine older flicks, or grab a long dead tv show and make that into a movie. You see, the world really does need 99 versions of Night of the living dead.
Freedom of choice, man.
Devo were right. You need Freedom FROM choice.
And, China will fix that in 10-20 years. We'll all be wearing funky green uniforms & little green hats with lovely little red books in our pockets. |
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| TampabayStone |
quote:
corgi37 wrote:
You are spot on, SS. But, thats what being a Yank is all about. You cant have just one coffee, you need 150. Same as you cant just have 1 burger, or 1 flavour of ice cream. Or one car (What did Henry Ford say? Oh yeah, you can have any color you like, as long as its black). Its why you guys dont make original movies anymore, you just re-hash, re-make, re-imagine older flicks, or grab a long dead tv show and make that into a movie. You see, the world really does need 99 versions of Night of the living dead.
Freedom of choice, man.
Devo were right. You need Freedom FROM choice.
And, China will fix that in 10-20 years. We'll all be wearing funky green uniforms & little green hats with lovely little red books in our pockets.
Blah, blah, blah--hater. |
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