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| Jumping Jack |
From Blender Magazine
The 50 Worst Things Ever to Happen to Music
14. Florida
Let us be perfectly clear: We are not besmirching Florida, the strong African-American matriarch of TV’s Good Times. We are besmirching Florida, the Sunshine State, unholy font of the Backstreet Boys, ’N Sync, O-Town, limpbizkit, 2 Live Crew, dangling chads and an army of drum-pummeling, grizzly-bear-mimicking death-metal bands with names too “evil” (i.e., moronic) to mention. A curse upon the balmy Southern realm!
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| pdog |
When I think of rock and roll, FLA is #14. |
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| Joey |
quote:
Jumping Jack wrote:
From Blender Magazine
The 50 Worst Things Ever to Happen to Music
14. Florida
Let us be perfectly clear: We are not besmirching Florida, the strong African-American matriarch of TV’s Good Times. We are besmirching Florida, the Sunshine State, unholy font of the Backstreet Boys, ’N Sync, O-Town, limpbizkit, 2 Live Crew, dangling chads and an army of drum-pummeling, grizzly-bear-mimicking death-metal bands with names too “evil” (i.e., moronic) to mention. A curse upon the balmy Southern realm!
Good morning Jumping Jack
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| Jumping Jack |
Mornin' kins
From Blender Magazine:
The 50 Worst Things Ever to Happen to Music
Scott Stapp. Pop-opera. The braided goatee. These are just a few of the things even the most open-minded among us cannot abide.
Blender, April 2006
50. Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band
Has any record’s influence upon music proved so malignant? Concept albums, progressive rock, Brian Wilson’s nervous breakdown, baby boomers yammering away about the Summer of Love, musicians taking themselves more seriously than cancer surgeons — all the Beatles’ fault. And is there anyone alive who hasn’t suffered a collapse of the will to live during “When I’m Sixty-Four”?
49. That dude who yells “Freebird!” at every rock show
48. Hip-Hop Skits
Smart rap fans know the drill: As soon as you burn a new album, instantly delete any track that’s under a minute long. It’s the best way to avoid the stupid banter, fake sound effects and unfunny phone calls that bog down 95% of all hip-hop albums. Except Snoop’s “Deeez Nuuuts” bit. That’s classic.
47. Slash Quits GN’R
Paradise City officially became uninhabitable in 1996 when Slash walked out on Axl Rose, shattering one of the best, most rewardingly volatile relationships in rock history. Not only did the split force us to endure Slash’s Snakepit, but Guns N’ Roses became forever an ego-tripping punch line, with Axl — stubborn ex that he is — running through multiple replacements (including Howard Stern lookalike Buckethead) in a vain attempt to prove he doesn’t need his old partner.
46. Decency
In 1967, the Rolling Stones were forced to change a not particularly salacious song to protect the tender sensibilities of the American television-viewing public. Thirty-nine years and one stray Super Bowl breast later, the Rolling Stones are forced to change a not particularly salacious song to protect the tender sensibilities of the American television-viewing public. Viva progress!
45. Rootkits
In their desperation to make their new releases piracy-proof, Sony Music also managed to make them privacy-proof. The label was busted last year for releasing CDs with copy-protection software built in that, when played in PCs, could send data from your computer to the record company.
44. Rock poets
Memo to aspiring rock stars: Lyrics do not constitute poetry. Neither do pedestrian observations your life-coach thinks are profound. And despite what Jim Morrison seemed to believe, disturbed Freudian ramblings you howl while waving your dick around onstage are also, alas, not poetry. Please “cc” Jewel, Billy Corgan and Jeff Tweedy on this memo.
43. Non-fake Lesbians
Don’t get us wrong — we love lesbians. Just so long as they’re not playing music. From Melissa Etheridge to the Indigo Girls, real-live sapphic rock stars are to blame for some truly awful trends: earnest coffeehouse confessionalism, the Lilith Fair, flannel. Now t.A.T.u., on the other hand …
42. Scott Stapp
Although he’s rehabilitated his image in recent years by becoming an incorrigible drunk and trying to beat up 311, there’s no getting around the music. The fourth-generation grunge he’s peddled solo and with Creed might be harmless if it weren’t swathed in quasi-religious pomposity and delivered with an arrogance that — in light of his musical, er, gifts — feels downright delusional.
41. Melisma
It’s a fact: Words like “girl” and “baby” do not have 25 syllables. But thanks to that R&B-spawned, Idol–promulgated school of vocal histrionics — wherein one overdoes gospel ululations like Whitney Houston with a noseful — neither the shortest word nor sweetest melody can go unmolested by a uvula-spazzing “showstopper.”
40. Parrotheads
For millions, Jimmy Buffett isn’t just a guy who writes songs about putzing around the Caribbean — he’s a shining symbol of the “good life.” That so few of them will get any closer to this life than hanging out in a dank bar called The Banana Boat, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, sipping a frozen daiquiri and waiting for their turn to karaoke “Margaritaville” is monumentally depressing.
39. AIDS
Although it was responsible for many deaths (Freddie Mercury and Eazy-E among them) and inspired one of the most insipid hits in the past three decades (“That’s What Friends Are For”), the most significant musical damage done by the AIDS virus came with the subsequent demonization of sex and drugs, two ingredients without which rock & roll become practically pointless — if not impossible.
38. Sting
37. Gilbert O’Sullivan
In suing Biz Markie for sampling “Alone Again, Naturally,” in his 1991 song “Alone Again,” this ’70s British novelty twerp had a chilling effect on hip-hop’s most basic musical technique, establishing a legal precedent for litigious, hip-hop-ignorant tight-asses. The Biz’s next album: All Samples Cleared!
36. Sean Combs is … Puff Daddy is … P. Diddy is … Diddy.
35. Van Halen fire David Lee Roth
34. Van Halen hire Sammy Hagar
33. Van Halen fire Sammy Hagar
32. Van Halen hire Gary Cherone
31. Jazz fusion
It’s a rule of thumb that any music that uses “jazz” as a prefix will make you want to saw your head off in boredom (see also: jazz-funk, jazz rap, jazz house). But none is as wearying as the genre that thought what rock really needed was month-long bass solos and time signatures Stephen Hawking wouldn’t understand.
30. Braided Goatees
It seems so natural. Just grow those chin whiskers out a foot, part in the middle, and weave pube-like braids! Tragically, resultant blood loss to the brain knocks 80 points off your IQ, resulting in guttural vocals and misspelled band names.
29. Popera
Soaring key changes! 53-year-old groupies! Incessant use of the word amore! Pop-opera, the most disturbing hybrid since the humanzee.
28. The Disappearance of Independent Record Stores
Sure, the big-chain megamarts save you a few dollars. But do their employees know you by name? Will they hook you up with unexpected new imports? Will they ridicule you when you mispronounce Sufjan Stevens’s name? For music geeks, losing the mom-and-pop stores is like losing a musty, nerd-filled home away from home.
27. “Jukebox” Musicals
Why is crowbarring classic-rock songs into a play with a “plot” apparently written on the back of a matchbook so detestable? Not just because the results are creaky and insulting — the Queen-themed We Will Rock You — but also because they reveal that the rock stars involved don’t care about art, only money. And, despite recent high-profile flops — Lennon, Good Vibrations — there’s no end in sight. Coming soon: My Humps: The Musical!
26. Adam Duritz’s dreadlocks
25. Tribute Albums
Don’t die. If you do, a dozen artists who ripped off all your ideas while you were alive (and one of whom will almost certainly be Sheryl Crow) will record overly reverent, roundly uninspired versions of your songs for a tribute album. This album will be ignored and/or quickly forgotten, or will spur a revival in your music that you won’t be around to enjoy and profit from.
24. Mark David Chapman
23. Woodstock ’99
The lineup was bad enough — a lame attempt at multi-culti harmony mixing patchouli-soaked pied pipers (Rusted Root) with braindead alpha-males (Insane Clown Posse). When the event got going, the second sequel to the Summer of Love quickly degenerated into an ugly free-for-all of sexual assault, arson, ODs — and $6 pizza slices. No wonder those ATMs were looted.
22. Lists That Reduce Rock History to a Series of Glib Soundbites
(Sorry.)
21. Nearly Every Hip-Hop Video
We get it. Your ride is pimped, your crib is a castle and at the drop of an ice-encrusted hat, you can have tons of scantily clad ho’s pouring bottles of Cristal down your gullet while you kick it in the hot tub. Congratulations to a generation of hip-hop video directors for making decadence seem so … boring.
20. Syn Drums
19. Electric Violins
18. Soprano Sax
17. Fred Durst
16. Replacement Lead Singers
AC/DC’s impressive recovery from Singer-Vomit-Asphyxiation is the exception that proves the rule. If the phrase “Van Hagar” fails to convince, consider Rock Star: INXS and the macabre spectacle of Queen fronted by a leatherfaced Paul Rodgers.
15. CDs
First, record companies made everyone re-buy their entire collections on newfangled “compact discs,” promising sonic superiority and virtual indestructibility. Despite obvious drawbacks — ever try to separate seeds and stems on a jewel case? — everyone ponied up anyway. Then, once this digital format became the very means by which music could be ripped and distributed for free, these same companies cried poor. Boo. Hoo.
14. Florida
Let us be perfectly clear: We are not besmirching Florida, the strong African-American matriarch of TV’s Good Times. We are besmirching Florida, the Sunshine State, unholy font of the Backstreet Boys, ’N Sync, O-Town, limpbizkit, 2 Live Crew, dangling chads and an army of drum-pummeling, grizzly-bear-mimicking death-metal bands with names too “evil” (i.e., moronic) to mention. A curse upon the balmy Southern realm!
13. Light Aircraft
The first day the music died, it took Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and the Big Bopper with it. The next day it took country star Patsy Cline. And then Jim Croce, half of Lynyrd Skynyrd, Stevie Ray Vaughan, John Denver and Aaliyah. There is, it seems, a good reason the tour bus is such a popular transportation option.
12. Kevin Federline
Golfing and wifebeaters? Whatever. Multiple babymamas? Hey, do your thing. Even the rapping isn’t that bad. But snatching away our favorite pop star — that cannot be forgiven. Two years ago, Britney Spears was America’s sexy sweetheart; then the ex-backup-dancer pounced, and it was bye-bye “Toxic,” hello diapers and Cheetos.
11. “You Really Have to See Them Live.” First heard muttered by a proselytizing Grateful Dead fan sometime around minute 13 of the studio version of “Terrapin Station, Pt. 1,” this reflexive, defensive cry has long been used as an excuse for the existence of reams of irretrievably dull Phish, Widespread Panic and moe. records. If your studio albums feel limp compared with your live show, don’t put them out.
10. “Colonel” Tom Parker
Meet the Slobodan Milosevic of artist management: Before Suge Knight, Lou Pearlman or even Allen Klein came the “Colonel” — inventor of ruinously exploitative rock management. Getting his hooks into Elvis in 1955, the Dutch con man artfully steered the King away from making music (which he had something of a knack for) and towards the likes of Clambake, Kissin’ Cousins, Kid Galahad and the 30-odd other Hollywood forgettables he made instead of recording or touring for most of the next decade.
9. Whitey
There are people who believe that this creature — call him “honky,” “ofay” or the “blue-eyed devil” — was created 6,000 years ago by an evil scientist named Yakub via genetic experimentation on an island called Patmos in a … lab or something. These people are music critics. In the first half of the century, Whitey took the kaleidoscopic music of Louis Armstrong and Duke Ellington and begat Lawrence Welk and the couldn’t-be-more-appropriately-named Paul Whiteman. In the latter, he took Little Richard’s gender-bendy, crypto-porn shout “Tutti Frutti” and begat its wan, Wonder Breaded anathema, Pat Boone.
We see the Beast’s essence everywhere. There he is, a beefy blond youth in a Von Dutch cap, spilling keg beer as he shifts weight from one Teva to another to a Bob Marley song — something he calls “dancing”; there he is, performing as Michael Bolton and Vanilla Ice or singing through the narrow, goateed visage of A.J. McLean. The dreaded character George Clinton christened Sir Nose D’Void of Funk has had an anti-Midas touch on music for decades now, whether it’s rockers copping the sexiness but not the subtlety of the blues in the ’50s or lemon-faced mooks hijacking hip-hop’s vigor to express the torments of suburban males who can’t get laid in the ’90s. White folks: They ruin everything.
8. The Age of 27
For most of us, the Bermuda Triangle of morbidity lies between the ages of 50 and 53, after which, if you dodge cancer, heart disease and other bullets, you’ll probably live for decades. For rock stars, the year to fear is 27 — the checkout date for Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain, Brian Jones and blues legend Robert Johnson among others. Honorable mentions to Nick Drake (at a wizened 26) and Tim Buckley (at a boyish 2 — who were, after all, eccentric.
7. Finding God
Once the Big Guy gets under an artist’s skin, the work tends to suffer. Al Green went from making the sexiest music known to man to making gospel albums known to nobody. Mase quit hip-hop for the ministry, and when he returned, his skills didn’t come with him. The less said about Bob Dylan’s born-again albums the better, but the idea of Jehovah’s Witness prince proselytizing door-to-door in purple pumps still brings a smile. Esther, née Madonna, caused quite the mishegas by hopping aboard Kabbalah’s Judaism-meets-New-Age-hooey bandwagon. And Cat Stevens loved Islam so much, he named himself after it when he converted and then quit the music biz in 1979. Silly rock stars — you’re supposed to be the ones being slavishly worshipped!
6. Madonna’s British Accent
5. Ecstasy
As if convincing countless innocents to spend nights crushed into dilapidated warehouses, waving glowsticks and bouncing along to the same monotonous groove wasn’t bad enough, ecstasy also taught a generation of dance-music auteurs that songwriting was as easy as looping a beat, then taking a nap.
4. Neverland Ranch
It’s not as though everything was hunky-dory for MJ before he moved here. But somehow, the star’s retreat into a llama-stocked, Ferris-wheel-equipped, 2,600-acre Southern California funny farm in 1988 didn’t help his psyche. Wacko Jacko may since have emerged from his rustic Xanadu — dangling a baby off a balcony here, facing child-molestation charges there — and moved to Bahrain, but the great pop star he used to be has been lost forever in this multimillion-dollar shrine to childhood.
3. “The Star-spangled banner”
Here’s an idea: Let’s have the theme song for the world’s biggest and most diverse democracy be: 1) boring; 2) violently militaristic; and 3) next to impossible to sing. Not enough? OK, now let’s bring in Roseanne Barr to perform. She’s too busy? Get me William Hung!
2. Suge Knight
Here’s some advice: If Suge Knight offers to bail you out of jail, wait for a better offer. After doing this for Tupac Shakur, the bullying head of Death Row records molded a talented 24-year-old rapper into a doomed gangsta cartoon, fanned a preposterous coastal rap feud (fuck the Bering Strait, too, while we’re at it!) and steered his young star on a confrontational course that ended in a bullet-riddled BMW 750. Whether or not Biggie Smalls’s subsequent murder was related, Knight drafted a tragedy hip-hop never got over.
1. Kids Today!
Back in our day, we didn’t have any of yer fancy iPods and ringtones and downloads. We didn’t have the luxury and convenience of your scrotum-rings and your World Wide Web logs. When we wanted to steal the new Uriah Heep album, we couldn’t just troll the Internets for it, we had to do it the old-fashioned way — by hiking to the store (uphill, both ways) and shoving 12” of vinyl under our sweaters (which we had to knit ourselves). That’s why you sniveling whipper-snappers don’t appreciate the real value of music. Or Uriah Heep. Now get the hell off our lawn!
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| pdog |
51. Joey
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| Joey |
" When we wanted to steal the new Uriah Heep album, we couldn’t just troll the Internets for it, we had to do it the old-fashioned way — by hiking to the store (uphill, both ways) and shoving 12” of vinyl under our sweaters (which we had to knit ourselves). That’s why you sniveling whipper-snappers don’t appreciate the real value of music. Or Uriah Heep. Now get the hell off our lawn! "
Funny ! |
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| fireontheplatter |
lynyrd sknyrd hailed from the sunshine state.
play some sknyrd maaaaan. |
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