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| Jumping Jack |
LIBERALS and CONSERVATIVES
The division of the human family into its two distinct branches occurred some 10,000 years ago, a few hundred years after the flood. Humans coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic
hunter/gatherers. In the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented. This epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern civilization and the occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle or aluminum can had yet been invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close
to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days killing animals to barbeque at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of the conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned how to live off conservatives by showing up for the BBQs every night and doing women's work like sewing, fetching and hair
dressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement. Later, some of the liberals actually became women.
Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, invention of group therapy and democratic voting to see how to divide the beer and meat that the conservatives provided. Women were not interested in democracy at that time because most of them were
still women back then, and the conservatives fed them.
Conservatives are symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern Liberals like imported beer (they add lime), but most prefer white wine or foreign water in a bottle. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and french food
are on liberal menus. Their women have more testosterone than the men. Liberals like
deviant sex and want others to like it too. Their first successful city governments were Sodom and Gomorrah.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the
pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat, and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumber jacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals do not produce anything. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what is to be done with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals just stayed in Europe when conservatives were coming to America.
Conservatives have principles, believe in a Creator, and the rule of law. They practice charity and give to the poor, normally through their churches. When in doubt on an issue, they check both
the Bible and the Constitution, which they use as a constant reference in a changing
world. They believe in the concept of truth.
Liberals do not have principles, except for their dedication to stealing production of conservatives and undermining principled references such as the Bible and Constitution. They are never in doubt on an issue because they always do whatever is best for them without regard to
others. They have no standard of reference. Liberals do not give to charity. They cultivate the poor like a cat cultivates a field of mice. They use the poor as voters and give them a
portion of stolen tax money which they vote away from conservatives.
Conservatives believe in self defense, both at home and abroad. They own guns and use them to discourage liberals and other common criminals. They provide guns to the armed forces to
discourage foreign liberals and other foreign criminals.
Liberals do not believe in conservative self defense. They disarm conservatives, and then attack them with impunity by liberal armies with guns. King George, Hitler and Stalin were all
liberals who abandoned the rule of Law, had no principles except their own self indulgence, and
attempted to tax and govern conservatives. Liberals believe in BIG government. They think the United Nations is the ultimate answer.
Conservatives believe in the rule of law and when sitting on juries, convict common criminals and acquit fellow conservatives who have been charged by liberals. When serving in the armed forces, they shoot liberals from other countries who want to govern our country. Conservatives know the difference between a common-sense law and a bone-headed statute passed by some liberal from Massachusetts. When sitting on juries, they do not enforce bone-headed statutes, and don't explain their reasons.
Liberals only believe in whatever laws are appealing to them, such as the privilege of making a living by taxing conservatives. When sitting on juries, liberals convict producers and acquit
liberals and other common criminals. Modern Judges are all liberals as they do not produce
anything except chaos, and are paid with confiscated tax money. They consider it against the law to reference any source of law such as the Bible or Constitution. Like other liberals, they just make it up as they go and do what is best for them. Judge Roy Bean is their model.
The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full-bore Conservative. A hundred years ago, an Englishman visiting Texas was attempting to find the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch hands, and inquired, "Pardon me, but could you perhaps tell me where I might locate your master?" To which the cowboy replied, "That sumbitch ain't been born yet".
So, what'll it be? Wine or Beer? Domestic or Imported?
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| Bloozehound |
HaHaHaHa!
Entertaining read.
There's alot of truth in that essay!
So, what'll it be? Wine or Beer?
Beer!
Domestic or Imported?
Whichever is readily available.
 
[Edited by Bloozehound] |
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| Poplar |
INTERESTING STUFF!!!
But as a conservative, i still LOVE some imported brew.
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| beer |
domestic or imported, i'll make you puke either way. |
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| egon |
i'll say one thing:
HEINEKEN
(and i only read the title of the thread) |
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| T&A |
GUINNESS - accept no substitutes |
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| Madafaka |
K I L K E N N Y !  |
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| Bloozehound |
C H I L L E R L I T E
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| David |
quote:
egon wrote:
i'll say one thing:
HEINEKEN
(and i only read the title of the thread)
HEINEKEN? FUCK THAT SHIT! PABST BLUE RIBBON!
thanks for the set up. |
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| Bloozehound |
A candy-colored clown they call the sandman
Tiptoes to my room every night
Just to sprinkle stardust and to whisper
Go to sleep. Everything is alllll rrrriight!
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| beer |
Hahaha!!! I'm drinkin Pabst Blue Ribbon right now. i thought i was the only one. |
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| Jumping Jack |
Are all liberals really metrosexuals and why do they drink imported beer with little umbrellas in them? How do they hold the glass with all that lotion on their fingers? Is that why Michael Jackson wears a glove, to get a better grip? |
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| Zeeta |
Well if you live in the Czech Republic the Domestic!
And I guess for Nanky - Newcastle Upon Tyne!!! |
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| Strange_Stray_Cat |
quote:
egon wrote:
i'll say one thing:
HEINEKEN
(and i only read the title of the thread)
Fool. |
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| egon |
HEINEKEN |
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| Strange_Stray_Cat |
quote:
egon wrote:
HEINEKEN
Fool. |
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| egon |
quote:
egon wrote:
HEINEKEN
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| Strange_Stray_Cat |
quote:
Strange_Stray_Cat wrote:
Fool.
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| Ten Thousand Motels |
quote:
Jumping Jack wrote:
Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle or aluminum can had yet been invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Beer? I always thought it was girls? At least as far as forming villiages. Beer I think came afterwards. God created beer on the seventh day while he was resting. Eve was created on the sixth day. |
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| West 8 |
How about if you drink domestic beer, but only from a micro-brewery?? |
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| Joey |
" How about if you drink domestic beer, but only from a micro-brewery?? "
WTF ?!?!
JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJAZZY !
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| VoodooChileInWOnderl |
Domestic... he he we have an XXX beer
Imported... as long as you get drunk a beer is a beer
SK�L |
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| Joey |
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| L&A |
And if you live in Belgium, no need to import...
Stella Artois - Jupiler - Maes Pils - Hoegaarden - Belle-Vue - Vieux Temps - Duvel - Leffe - Chimay - 1664 De Kronenbourg - Ambiorix - Blanche de Namur - Blanche de Namur - Ciney Blond - Faro - Kriek...
We have about 680...  |
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| egon |
but no heineken.
did i ever tell you how much i like heineken?
i like it very much! |
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