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Topic: Pete Townshend Jokes.... Return to archive
01-13-03 02:39 PM
steel driving hammer Just kidding, but they're comming.
Anyone heard any at work today? LOL!
Touch Me, Heal Me...

But here are some others...

A 2000 Year History of the Guitar
From GUITAR WORLD magazine, October 1999 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED


A.D. 30 The Egyptians develop the gitarra, a wooden-bodied instrument with gut strings and a fretted neck. Recently decoded hieroglyphics show that the first song played on the instrument was "Smoke on the Water".
85 The Romans build their famous coliseum in Rome. The opening night event features headliners Slayer and warm-up act Nero, who fiddles to an impressive display of pyro.

105 Paper is invented in China.

106 First issue of "Pi-Pa World" is published, featuring B.B. Chung King on the cover.

410 The Goths rule Europe. Their dominance is short-lived, however as rival jocks bully them, mocking their pasty complexions, frilly clothing and ludicrous style of dancing. The Goths become extremely depressed and retreat to the woods, where they sulk and write bad poetry.

500 Indian mathematicians invent the zero, but refuse to take credit for Billy Corgan, Kurt Cobain, and Beck Hansen. The "slacker" period officially begins.

618 China is ruled by the Tang Dynasty, a devoted group of Ted Nugent fans who adopt their name from his song "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang".

800 Real estate speculators build the first castles in Europe, but the are 1100 years too early for the first wave of British rock stars.

1095 The First Crusade begins as thousands of young men march to the Middle East on a rumor that the Grateful Dead is touring there. They are extremely disappointed to find that the hordes of unwashed heathen in Jerusalem are actually Phish fans. Bloody fighting ensues until someone suggests the idea of trading tapes.

1120 The Chinese invent trading cards so musicians can have something to do between sets.

1200 Two instruments, the gitarra latina and the gitarra moresco become popular in Spain. Unlike the viola, from nearby Italy, which is sounded with a bow, the gitarras are played de mano, or with the fingers. The phrase "you de mano", Spanish for "awesome licks, dude", dates from this period.

1271 Marco Polo sets out from Italy to be the first white man to explore Asia. Upon his arrival, he is disappointed that Mr. Big has made it there before he has, and have already established a devoted fan base. He returns, a sadder and wiser man, with a handful of Paul Gilbert guitar picks and several boxes of yakisoba noodles given to him by Billy Sheehan.

1403 The Renaissance begins. Painter/sculptor Michelangelo forms the band Nitro and redefines the two-handed tapping technique, which was developed by Dutch musician Edward Van Halen. British musician Ritchie Blackmore claims that Renaissance music was his idea and that all contenders are poor imitations of him.

1488 The Chinese build The Great Wall in an attempt to thwart tours by Mr Big.

1492 Sikander Lodi, sultan of Delhi, invades Rajasthan. The sultan, notorious for impaling his enemies in battle, inspires John Fogerty to pen the line "stuck in (the back by) Lodi again"

1519 Leonardo da Vinci invents the electric guitar. However his plans are lost forever when he is trampled to death by a group of schoolgirls who mistake him for Leonardo DiCaprio.

1535 Spaniard Luis De Milan publishes "El Maestro" a book of tablature for the four string guitar. His compositions include "Pavane" "Toda Mi Vida Os Ame" and "Nookie".

1586 Juan Carlos Amat publishes a comprehensive collection of music for the five-string guitar. Prominent among the entries is "Ten Variations on Honky Tonk Women". Instructions for tuning the guitar while strung out on heroin are included.

1587-1629 Reign of Shah Abbas I "The Great" of Persia, who frightens his enemies into submission by singing "Dancing Queen".

1609 Galileo determines that the earth revolves around the sun. Guitar players determine that the earth revolves around them.

1662 King Louis XIV of France serenades his mistress, Marie Mancini, with a simple three-chord composition on his guitar. Upon seeing Queen Maria Theresa approaching their chambers, one of the king's men bursts into the room shouting "Louis, Louis, Oh no-we gotta go now!" A rock and roll classic is born.

1700 The beginning of the Age of Enlightenment. Guitar design shifts from five-course instruments (sets of five strings tuned the same) to six-course instruments (six sets of two strings tuned the same), Hoping to outdo everyone, John Popper invents the 10-course meal.

1800 Italian scientist Volta invents the electric cell. This is the first and last significant Italian contribution to rock music.

1807 Italian guitarist Mauro Giuliani initiates the trend towards extensive concert tours for guitarists in Europe. Giuliani also claims responsibility for reducing crime in New York City.

1815 Fernando Sor, the author of Methode Pour la Guitare, one of the period's most comprehensive books on guitar technique, debuts with the London Philharmonic. Frustrated by the orchestra's hostile attitude towards him, Sor followed up this experience by releasing In Rock.

1877 Having just invented the phonograph, Thomas Edison makes the first recording ever "Mary Had A Little Lamb". Just three weeks later, the Puff Daddy re-mix appears.

1883 Edison invents the light bulb. Guitarists ponder how many of them would it take to screw one in.

1906 The British build the massive battleship HMS Dreadnought, but the vessel sinks early in its maiden voyage. Experts attribute the disaster to a large round hole in the ship's center.

1920-1933 The sale of alcohol is prohibited in the United States, accelerating the development of the blues.

1922 Martin's first steel-string guitar the 2-17, is introduced in response to the growing popularity of Hawaiian music. The handmade guitar is not to be confused with the "Hawaii- Five O" model, a Quinn Martin production.

1930 Driven mad by years of alcohol deprivation, musicians and engineers join forces to make an instrument that will really drive the neighbors crazy. The electric guitar is born.

1931 Martin builds the D-1 and D-2 dreadnought guitar prototypes, which later became known as the D-18 and D-28. Bluegrass musician Luther Ossenbrink, know as Arkie the Arkansas Woodchopper, buys a D-2 and smashes it during a performance, anticipating the work of Pete Townshend by more than 3 decades.

1931 Orville Redenbacher tried to perfect a frying pan for popping popcorn. His brother Adolph, thinks the contraption would make an ideal body for his electric guitar and attaches a pickup and strings to it. A nasty argument ensues, and Adolph changes his last name to Rickenbacker and out of spite, calls his new invention The Frying Pan.

1932 On a brutally hot day in Jackson Mississippi, bluesman Robert Johnson at a crossroads and falls down on his knees. He is later overheard telling a friend "Damn, that hurt."

1933 Lloyd Loar devises an electric solidbody guitar for his ViviTone Company. The guitar's distinguishing feature is a pickup mounted in a sliding drawer. Unfortunately, the delicate pickup becomes damaged when guitarists use the drawer to stash their weed, and the guitar is deemed a failure.

1935 Congress passes President Roosevelt's Social Security Act. Roosevelt claims he wrote the act to relieve musician's girlfriends of the burden of supporting their boyfriends.

1936 Gibson introduces the first archtop hollowbody, the ES-150. Jazz guitarist Charlie Christian plugs in while playing with the Benny Goodman Band. Several churches denounce the electric guitar as evil, even though it was played by a Christian and approved by a Goodman.

1948-1951 The United States implements the Marshall Plan but fails to convince drummer Jim Marshall to build an amplifier that really rocks.

1948 Leo Fender builds the prototype for the guitar that's to become known as the Broadcaster. He changes the name to Telecaster in 1952 to cash in on the television craze. Plans for a color Telecaster never materialize.

1951 Gibson president Ted McCarty contacts Les Paul about endorsing Gibson's new solidbody electric guitar. He suggests calling it the Paul-McCarty model, but Les argues that no one would be interested in the Beatles until the Sixties. A confused McCarty agrees to call the guitar the Les Paul.

1951 Leo Fender creates the first electric solidbody bass guitar, which he calls the Precision Bass. Despite Leo's claim that the bass could be played "with precision", most bass players to this day cannot get through an entire song without making at least 4 mistakes.

1954 Fender introduces the Stratocaster. But the instrument doesn't become popular until 12 years later when Jimi Hendrix plays one upside-down, strung backwards, and with his teeth.

1962 While working at Jim Marshall's music shop in Hamwell, England, Ken Bran and Dudley Craven construct the prototype for the Marshall JTM45 amplifier. At the request of Pete Townshend, they create a 100-watt model in 1965. A new, high-powered hearing aid is invented a few months later.

1964 Maestro produces its first fuzz tone pedal, which Keith Richards uses to record "I Can't Get No Satisfaction". The fuzz tone takes its name from its uncanny ability to attract attention from the police every time a guitarist uses one.

1972 Musictronics introduces the Mu-Tron III envelope follower pedal which produces funky automatic wah-wah. James Brown's Get on the Good Foot, Stevie Wonder's Talking Book, and Funkadelic's America Eats Its Young all came out that same year. Coincidence?

1977 Roland introduces the first guitar synthesizer, the GR-500. Roland continues to make guitar synthesizers today, even though most guitarist agree that if they wanted to sound like a crappy keyboard player, they would have hired Yanni to play in their band.

1978 Floyd Rose invents the double-locking tremolo for guitarists that like to show off. Traditional-minded guitarists consider placing Rose in a double-locking cell.

1980 Guitar World commences publication. Men and women dance in the streets of New York City, though this has nothing to do with Guitar World.

1984 Yngwie Malmsteen gains notoriety for playing a guitar with a scalloped fingerboard. Unfortunately, other guitarists find great difficulty in playing a guitar neck that is covered with cheese, cream, and potatoes.

1989 Kurt Cobain buys his first crappy guitar and tells his friends "I can't believe I bought this crappy guitar!"

1991 The grunge era begins. Thousands of filthy, flannel-clad musicians descend upon Seattle Washington, where many find interesting jobs at Starbucks.

1992 Nirvana reaches the top of the charts with "Smells Like Teen Spirit". The value of every cheap, piece-of-crap guitar rises dramatically.

1993 The first Parker Fly guitar production model hits the market. The instrument boasts the best in traditional design and synthetic materials. Pamela Anderson promptly accuses Parker of plagiarism.

1997 Korn revives interest in the 7-string guitar and Ibanez re-issues the model. The guitar is a rousing success, even though guitarists are still clueless about what to do with the seventh string.

1998 Retro fever comes to an end when guitar manufacturers realize that every single good idea has already been exploited to death.

1999 Guitar manufacturers make frenzied attempts to connect the Y2K bug-until they realize that guitar players don't know how to use computers.

2000 It's the end of the world as we know it.


-what do you throw a drowning bass player?
His amp.
-How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you?
You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.

-What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once.

-Two cowboys were waiting in their fort for the Indians to attack. They listened to the distant pounding war drums. One cowboy muttered to the other, "I don't like the sound of them drums." Just then, a distant voice came over the hill, "It's not our usual drummer!"

-A guy wanted to play bass in a band. The band told him, "Okay, but you will have to have 1/3 of your brain removed." So the guy went into surgery. When he woke up, the doctor said, "I'm terribly sorry, but we made a mistake and accidentally removed 3/4's of your brain!" The guy said, "Uh, that's okay. Got some sticks?"

-How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.

-If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.

-I asked my drummer to spell "Mississippi"...
He said, "the river or the state?"

-How do you know if a drummer's platform is level?
The drool comes out of both sides of his mouth.

-How do guitar players park in the handicap spots?
They put drumsticks on the dash.

-Did you hear about the drummer who got into college?
No. Neither did I.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

-After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous.

"You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.

When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there's a trivia question for you), the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?"

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

-Why do bands need Roadies?
"To translate what the drummer says."

-A guy walks into a shop.
"You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gibson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?"
"You're a drummer, aren't you?"
"Yeah. How'd you know?"
"This is a travel agency."


Possible solutions for Van Halen's lead singer crisis, courtesy of GUITAR WORLD:


Van Halen + Eddie Vedder = Jam Halen
Van Halen + Beavis and Butt-head = Van Heh-heh-heh-heh-Halen

Van Halen + Dr Seuss = Green Eggs and Van

Van Halen + Dimebag Darrell = Vantera

Van Halen + Michael Jordan = Van Guard

Van Halen + Aunt Jemima = Van Jemima

Van Halen + McCartney = Van on the Run

Van Halen + Herve Villacheze = Vantasy Island

Van Halen + Bill Clinton = In Halen

Van Halen + Pat Sajak = Vanna Halen

Van Halen + Jimmy Hoffa = Van-ished

Van Halen + The Nanny = Fran Halen

Van Halen + George Michael = Wham! Halen

Van Halen + Ho Chih Minh = 'Nam Halen

Van Halen + Angus Young = Vangus

Van Halen + Carlos Santana = Vantana

Van Halen + Sex Pistols = Vanarchy in the UK

Van Halen + Waylon Jennings = Van Waylon

Van Halen + Captain Ahab = Van Whalin'

Van Halen + Shaquille O' Neal = Slam Halen

Van Halen + Tortured Dutch painter = Van Go (Gogh)

Van Halen + Belinda Carlisle = Van Go Go

Van Halen + David Lee Roth = Van Gone

Van Halen + Johnny Rzeznick = Van Goo Goo

Van Halen + David Duke = Klan Halen

Van Halen + Ronnie James Dio = Mini Van

Van Halen + Paul Westerberg = Hip Replacement

Van Halen + Olivia Newton John = Vanadu

Van Halen + Meatloaf = Van Needs New Shocks

Van Halen + Dolores O' Riordan = Cran Halen

Van Halen + John Oates = Halen Oates

Van Halen + Simon LeBon = Durvan Durvan

Van Halen + Axl Rose = Van Axl

Van Halen + Robin Zander = Cheap Van

Van Halen + Rick Nielsen = Checkerboard Van

Van Halen + John Wayne Bobbit = Vanstectomy

Van Halen + Billy Joel = Piano Van

Van Halen + George Hamilton = Tan Halen

Van Halen + Steven Tyler = AeroVan

Van Halen + Jimi Hendrix = Electric Lady Van

Van Halen + Lita Ford = Ford Van

Van Halen + Mark Farner = Van Funk Railroad

Van Halen + The Chipmunks = Al-Van

Van Halen + Donovan = Hurdy Gurdy Van

Van Halen + Timothy Leary = Van Trailin'

Van Halen + Darius Rucker = Van Hootie

Van Halen + Satan = Van Damned

Van Halen + George C Scott = Van Patton

Van Halen + Trey Anastasio = Van Halibut

Van Halen + Kato Kaelin = Van Kaelin

Van Halen + Donald Fagen/Walter Becker = Steely Van



Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A:One who knows how to play the drums but doesn't.

Q: Why do bands have bass players?

A: To translate for the drummer.

Q: What do you call a drummer with half a brain?

A: Gifted

Q: How do you get two drummers to play in time?

A: Shoot one.

Q: How do you make a chainsaw sound like a lead vocalist?

A: Add vibrato.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To get away from the drum solo.

Q: What are a drummer's last words?

A: "Hey guys, wanna try one of my tunes?!"

Q: What did the drummer say to the singer?

A:"You want this too fast or too slow?

Q: What's the range of a fretless bass?

A: Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A: A drummer.

Q: What was the epitaph on the blues player's gravestone?

A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, they have machines to do that now.


Three guys are sitting at a bar.
#1: "...Yeah, I make $75,000 a year after taxes."

#2: "What do you do for a living?"

#1: "I'm a stockbroker. How much do you make?

#2: "I should clear $60,000 this year."

#1: "What do you do?"

#2: "I'm an architecht."

The third guy has been sitting there quietly, staring into his beer, when the others turn to him.

#2: "Hey, how much do you make per year?"

#3: "Gee...hmmm...I guess about $13,000."

#1: "Oh yeah? What kind of strings do you use?"



Q: What did the bass player get on his I.Q. test?
A: Drool.

Q: How can you tell when your lead vocalist is out of tune?

A: His lips are moving.

Q: What do drummers use for birth control?

A: Their personalities.

Q: What's the difference between a bass and a guitar?

A: The bass burns longer.

Q: What happened when the bass player locked his keys in the car?

A: He spent an hour trying to get the drummer out.

Q: What's the difference between a keyboard and a coffin?

A: The coffin has the corpse on the INSIDE.

Q: Why are set breaks limited to 20 minutes?

A: So you don't have to retrain the drummer.


A liitle boy tells his mom: "I wanna be a drummer when I grow up!"
His mother replies "Honey, you can't do both!"


Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, the piano player can do that with his left hand.

Q: How does a lead vocalist change a light bulb?

A: He just holds on and the whole world revolves around him.

Q: If you were lost in the woods, who should you ask directions from: an out-of-tune bass player, an in-tune-bass player, or Santa Claus?

A: An out-of-tune bass player; the other two indicate that you were hallucinating.

Q: How many jazz pianists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Screw the changes, we'll fake it.

Q: How many union roadies does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Eleven. You got a problem with that?!


A CONSOLATION PRIZE--FOR ALL YOU DRUMMERS, SINGERS (etc.)
(only two though!)


Q: How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?
A: Put sheet music in front of him!

Q: What's the difference between a vaccuum cleaner and a lead guitarist?

A: Nothing, when you turn them on they both suck!


From Joe (bendotj4@qmsmtpgw.mugu.navy.mil):
Q: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

A: Homeless

THANX JOE!


From David (davidph@ghgcorp.com):
Q: What's the difference between a trampoline and a drum set?

A: You take off your shoes to jump on the trampoline.

THANX DAVID!

01-14-03 12:53 AM
Fiji Joe Van Halen + Their Best Work Ever = Crap
01-14-03 01:35 AM
MarthaMyDear I'm sorry, you guys, but how would you like to be one of the children in child pornography and/or to have been molested, etc., and have to deal with the shame and devastating emotional scars it leaves for life?!?!?! Just SOMETHING to ponder but rock on anyways... lol...................... :P Take care...

*** Martha ***

Visits since January 9, 2003 - 10:46 PM EST